IUI #2 = BFFN

At this point I'm just waiting for AF to show up.  I have been spotting all day and my beta from this morning came back negative.  Although, I already knew I wasn't KU (but still holding out the tiniest thread of hope).

This friggin sucks.  I know I shouldn't have, but I got my hopes up so high for this cycle.  Everything seemed to go so well I just really hoped that it would end in a pregnancy.

I talked to the nurse this morning about having another consult with the Dr about what the cycle after next would entail.  She is recommending that we sit down with him and go over the plan that he suggests. 

Brad and I have talked at length about doing IVF if this next cycle is a bust.  I just still need to wrap my head around pursuing that as our next step and being 100% ready.  I think talking to Dr and getting all my questions answered will help me ease into the decision.  However, I am wondering if he will recommend 2 more IUI cycles rather than 1 more (as Brad and I discussed) since technically the 1st one didn't work right (I didn't O when I was supposed to).

So for now, I will just wait for AF to show her ugly face. :(

I am so sick of seeing a negative test I could scream!

IF has changed me

Something compelled me today to put down in words the way that IF has changed my life.  I'm not quite sure where this feeling came from but I will give in to the urge to write because I think I need to get some things off my chest.

Getting pregnant and having babies has been my life long goal since as long as I can remember.  I'm sure many women feel the exact same way.  Now, I'm not saying that I don't have dreams and aspirations for other things in life (because I definitely do), but in my eyes, having children will be the single most important thing I could do.

Brad and I started this journey last May with such optimisim and hope.  It was like a magical little journey that we were about to embark on that would bring us so much joy.  I mean, that's the way it works, right?  People decide to start trying for a baby and poof, they are blessed with getting pregnant within the first few months. 

As the months went by, something began to change in me.  By November of last year, I had already started to hear that voice in my head loud and clear: "something is wrong."  I was trying so hard not to listen, but it was so persistant.  My rational brain kept telling me that it can take a normal, healthy couple a year to conceive.  I'm a rational person, but something just kept tugging at my conscious.

When we found out in late Feb/Mar that I had elevated FSH it was soul crushing.  All of my fears were realized.  The thought of having a child on my own was dashed away quicker than you can imagine. 

Some people may say, so what?  So, just proceed with treatment.  Well, obviously that is what we are doing but there is still something to be said for the fact that the normal way of achieving this was taken away from Brad and I.  We weren't the people that came off birth control and miraculously got pregnant without timing.  We weren't the people that got pregnant after a few months of trying.  And we weren't the people that got pregnant after trying for quite a few months.  No, all that was taken away. 

After being able to accept the fact that we needed treatment to bring a life into this world, we quickly pursued our options.  Being in our second IUI cycle, I feel as if when it does happen (I say when because I can't bring myself to say if), how will I be able to enjoy my pregnancy during those first 13 weeks?  What if I were to have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage?

It would devastate me.  After trying for 16 months and finally getting pregnant, I feel like I would be a giant basketcase just waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to start over.  I pray that this is not how I will feel and that I can enjoy the early stages of pregnancy. 

My other worry: will I instantly love my unborn child?  This has been a concern for me for the last few weeks.  I'm so worried that maybe the reason I have been dealing with IF so well lately is that I have become desensitized to it all.  If that is the case, will I be able to bond and attach to my future unborn child or will that have to be a battle as well?...Afraid of getting too attached or not knowing how to love what feels like is a mirage.  It's extremely difficult for me to imagine being pregnant because, well, it doesn't feel like we are ever going to get there.

I know this all may seems so trivial, but this is just a small aspect of the way that IF has changed me.  I hate what this journey had done to me and I want so desperately to be one of the normal women that went off the pill and got pregnant.

My story may never be that simple, but I hope and pray that my story will help someone else going through IF....And above all, I hope that my story ends with a beautiful baby.

Baby Shower Was A Success

The baby shower I had at my house on Saturday went very well.  All of the girls that came, were friends from college so we all had a really nice time catching up and having some good laughs.  I'm really proud of myself for being able to deal with my emotions and put them in the right place so that I could enjoy the day and celebrate someone else's pregnancy.

I definitely think I was being tested though.  The 3rd girl to arrive at the shower (an old college roomate that I haven't seen in a year)  blurted out to me within the first 2 minutes she was there that she was pregnant.  My reaction---joy, happiness and excitement for her. 

Wow, that came out of nowhere and surprised the heck out of me!  I can't believe that I was okay with the announcement right there on the spot.  Now, I'm not sure if it's because I'm really not close whatsoever with this girl anymore, or if I have finally come to terms with accepting other's pregnancies.  Whatever the reason; I'm extremely proud of myself.

After the shower, 4 of us went golfing and had an abosolute blast.  It was almost like old times.  Laughing and having an awesome time enjoying each others company.  I hope to do another outing with them again before the summer if over!

Oh how I love the 2ww

That was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell.  I am only 2 dpiui today and I'm already going crazy.  I'm not sure if it's the fact that this cycle seemed to go more according to plan than any other, or just that we had a successful IUI, but I am so freakin antsy!

I had my IUI on Monday, so I go in for my beta 2 weeks from that date on August 15th.  You can bet that I will definitely be testing before that though! ;)

I will say that this IUI was definitely more uncomfortable than the last.  During the procedure I had quite a bit of cramping that continued throughout the day.  Not only that, but I had some light spotting as well.  I'm not trying to overanalyze but of course in the back of my mind I'm going back and forth with what all this could mean....good or bad.

I definitely won't be getting away from baby thinking this weekend.  I am hosting another baby shower at my house on Saturday.  While it will be fun, I'm thinking that I will get some pretty tough questions from friends that will be in attendance.  Most people have an idea that we have been trying for a while and they are probably wondering what is taking so long and I'm sure talking about babies for several hours on Saturday, it's bound to come up.

I'm just not quite sure how I am going to handle it just yet.  I have definitely started to be more open about our struggle and what we are going through, but I just don't know how open I want to be.  Parts of me want to be an advocate for infertility and other parts want to keep this emotional struggle close and only let a few people in.....oh, decisions, decisions.

Bottom line: I'm sure I will still have a good time on Saturday catching up.  Plus, 4 of us girls are playing golf.  We have been trying to organize this for several months and the girls from out of town will finally be able to participate.  I absolutely love golf, YAY!!!!!

Well, well, well...what do we have here???

Could it possibly a cycle that is going according to plan???  Well, it just might be working out that way!  Today I had another monitoring appt to check my growing follicles and I have one on each side that each look fabulous.  One is 18.5mm and the other is 21mm.-Anything close or over 20mm is great!  :)

I CANNOT believe that I am making this much progress!  This is my 4th clomid cycle (1st cycle on 100mg) and I have never responded like this.  My follicles are the biggest we have seen since monitoring began and I am feeling so thankful for these small victories.

At my appt this morning the RE told me to administer the HCG shot tomorrow and then come in on Monday morning for the IUI. 

I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up but I can't help but feel excited for a (so far) positive cycle.

How is it the end of July already???

I can't believe how fast summer is going this year.  This is my favorite season and it always seems to slip away from me so quickly. :(  Lately though, I have been trying my best to enjoy this weather.  I try to go on walks during the day at work so I'm not stuck inside for 10 hours at a time.  Plus, my weekends seem to be full of outdoor activities.

However, as much as I LOVE summer, I must say that this ridiculous heat the last 2 weeks is starting to wear on me a little bit.  It has been in the 90's-100's for the last 2 weeks straight with what seems like 300% humidity.  Yesterday, it was 100 degrees at 5:30 and that doesn't include the heat index.  This is making it incredibly hard to go for a run.  I'm hoping for a cool off this weekend so I can at least go running in the morning.

On a different topic; today is day 4 of my cycle.  Last cycle was 40 days long, which is absolutely ridiculous.  It was the longest I have had since I was 16!  This time around, the doctor upped my dosage of clomid to 100 mg with the IUI....Let's hope that does the trick.

Other exciting news:  I have pretty much stopped charting for about the last 2-3 weeks.  I thought it would be harder than this, but not charting seems to be working for me and I'm hoping to stick with it.  Leaving all the control in the Dr's hands is what I should have been doing from the start.  :)

A new plan

Today is day 30 of my cycle and no sign whatsoever of AF.  I had an RE appt yesterday and he told me that if I don't get my period in 2 weeks, to call them and make an appt so they can test me and get me started on prometrin to end my cycle for me....ugh! 

I hope that I don't have to wait 2 weeks without ovulating just so I can wait another week while on the meds to start my period.

Although, I will say that I have slightly gotten my hopes up that I may be ovulating in the next couple of days. I have had EWCM for the last two days.  Beyond that, I don't know anything because I have taken the nurse's recommendation to stop charting.  I may take my temp in the next few days though just to see if I can catch ovulation.  If nothing happens within 3-4 days, I will stop temping again.

I thought I would have a harder time with this "no charting" thing but it has been surprisingly easy.  It could be for the fact that I have kind of given up on this cycle.  We shall see what next cycle brings and if I can hold myself off of temping and using opk's.

Anyways....back to my RE appt yesterday.  After our discussion on what is going on with my body, both the doctor and I agree to up my dosage of clomid to 100mg.  He was hesitant to put me on injectibles with IUI.  He feels that I would react rather robustly (his word not mine) to the injections possibly causing me to have to cancel a cycle due to over stimulation. 

I am pretty positive about moving on to a higher dosage of clomid.  At this point I am ready to fully trust the RE's office in what they are doing and just hope that they can get me pregnant sooner rather than later.  Who knows, maybe after next cycle we will want to pursue IVF.   We shall see....