It has been almost a month since my last post (which doesn't really count since it was 3 words) and I have no explanation as to why I am not posting these days.
For a while I felt like I just was not motivated to post, didn't feel up to it, and just didn't want to talk (type) about it anymore than I had to. It seemed that my whole life was constantly consumed by infertlity and I was becoming very tired, both emotionally and physically. While I can't say that it has really changed all that much, I can say that I am becoming a stronger person and making some changes in my life.
I have new hope that I can get back to being my normal, happy self. I am in no means giving up on our journey to conceive a child, but I do need to take a gigantic step back and analyze all the pieces in my life to determine how to be "me" again. Trying to explain the way I feel is difficult, but it can be summed up in that I feel like I have lost myself with only a shell remaining. Everyday hurts more than the last. Our dreams seem to be fading quickly and the harder I work and scramble to pick up the pieces and achieve success, the further away it becomes. Quite frankly, it's one viscious circle.
Now, I was pretty sceptical about acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine to begin with and tried it because I kind of felt like I was running out of options. My IVF nurse and my doctor both recommended it, so I made an appointment.
This week, I was able to find the smallest glimmer of hope and light to help guide me into a happier existance. I started acupuncture on Tuesday evening and I already feel as if it has begun to change my life. I'm not trying to be overdramatic here, and believe me, I don't think its some magical treatment, but I do think that I finally hit a wall in where I needed to choose either to continue to be someone I was not, or to become happy again.
The entire appointment was a little over 1.5hrs with a 45 min consult to begin things. My acupuncturist is one of Chicago's best and I could tell after the first few minutes that he just "gets" it. When asking me questions he seemed to already know the answer and understand what my body is doing...or rather what I am doing to my body. He was extremely encouraging in that he has hundreds of patients that have very similar stories to mine. While there are no guaranties that I will become pregnant (which he is quite encouraging about), he is helping me to see that I can help myself to become a more healthy, balanced, and happy person.
He gave me some new and very restricting diet recommendations. I say very restricting because one of the things I have to get rid of is dairy....My favorite food is cheese. Not to mention I love milk. I have committed to myself that I will follow his guidelines since I should have been eating better than I have been to begin with. Thankfully, I can "have fun" as he puts it, 20% of the time.
In addition to my new diet, he recommended some books to read: "The Fertile Soul" and "Making Babies 2009." I started reading The Fertile Soul last night and have been so moved. I continued reading it today on my lunch because I just can't get enough. I feel like this book is hopefully going to help me figure things out and become a happier person. Of course I also hope that it brings me closer to a child, but I realize that I can't be so focused on that all the time. If I don't start making time for myself to heal, I'll never get any closer to reaching my goal.
In the coming days I do plan to post an update about all of the other things that have been going on this month, but for now I need to wrap things up.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
It's Officially The Christmas Season :)
I have come to the decision that I am going to make the most of the holidays this year. A few weeks ago, when I was down and out I definitely felt different...but I am happy my attitude has turned around.
There is something about Christmas that has always put a smile on my face. I love the shopping, the music, the decorating, and (yes) even the snow! It makes me feel very thankful for all that I have, which in turns lifts my mood in general.
Don't get me wrong...yes it still hurts that I still don't have a child (or am carrying one) to share this wonderful holiday with but I have soooo many other wonderful people and blessings in my life.
I spent most of the day on Friday decorating the inside and outside of our house and loved every second of it! Here are a few pictures of my work:
This last one is a little blurry , but you get the idea:
There is something about Christmas that has always put a smile on my face. I love the shopping, the music, the decorating, and (yes) even the snow! It makes me feel very thankful for all that I have, which in turns lifts my mood in general.
Don't get me wrong...yes it still hurts that I still don't have a child (or am carrying one) to share this wonderful holiday with but I have soooo many other wonderful people and blessings in my life.
I spent most of the day on Friday decorating the inside and outside of our house and loved every second of it! Here are a few pictures of my work:
Monday, November 21, 2011
I've Been MIA Lately
I'm not exactly sure why, but lately I have not really wanted to update here or on my usual message board. And honestly, today is no different.
I'm kind of just forcing myself to post because I am feeling so crappy about myself that I'm hoping this will help.
Since the last time that I posted, I started seeing a therapist. For the most part, I think it is going to be a very positive experience for me. Some of the issues she has already pointed out to me are definitely fixable and will hopefully get me to a better place with everything in my life. I go back on Wednesday and feel like I definitely could use to go today as well.
Nothing necessarily happened to me today to cause the way I'm feeling, I just can't shake this overwhelming sadness. I have been on the brink of tears all day and could just curl into a bawl and lay in bed forever.
Maybe I'm still not quite over last cycle and losing our little embies, or maybe it's yesterday's baby shower, or maybe it's the co-worker who just had a baby last week, or maybe its the pregnancy announcement from a close friend....the list goes on.
I just wish this nightmare would end and I could finally be rewarded with what I have worked and prayed so hard for. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at this journey as just a memory while I'm holding a baby in my arms.
I'm kind of just forcing myself to post because I am feeling so crappy about myself that I'm hoping this will help.
Since the last time that I posted, I started seeing a therapist. For the most part, I think it is going to be a very positive experience for me. Some of the issues she has already pointed out to me are definitely fixable and will hopefully get me to a better place with everything in my life. I go back on Wednesday and feel like I definitely could use to go today as well.
Nothing necessarily happened to me today to cause the way I'm feeling, I just can't shake this overwhelming sadness. I have been on the brink of tears all day and could just curl into a bawl and lay in bed forever.
Maybe I'm still not quite over last cycle and losing our little embies, or maybe it's yesterday's baby shower, or maybe it's the co-worker who just had a baby last week, or maybe its the pregnancy announcement from a close friend....the list goes on.
I just wish this nightmare would end and I could finally be rewarded with what I have worked and prayed so hard for. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at this journey as just a memory while I'm holding a baby in my arms.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I Guess They Weren't Meant To Be
I got the call from the doctor today about our embies. He told me that yesterday (day 2) they had actually made good progress/growth, but that they had not grown at all in the last 24 hours. He did not recommend freezing them, so that's where we are, I guess.
I can't help but have a heavy heart over losing our little embies. It's so surreal to think that those were our babies and they didn't make it.
I can't help but have a heavy heart over losing our little embies. It's so surreal to think that those were our babies and they didn't make it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Quick Update on Our Retrieval
So, I talked to the Dr today about our retrieval and asked some of the questions that have been running through my mind since yesterday.
First of all, it turns out that they actually retrieved 5 eggs. One was slightly immature and the other 4 were immature. They actually got them all to mature and 3 fertilized. However, he said that the embryo quality was not very good at all.
Honestly, I wasn't expecting much. I am slightly happy that they got my eggs to mature and fertilize...small victories, right?
We set up a consult for Thursday to go through all my in-depth questions and go over where he would like to go with our new protocol for January.
Our original plan was to freeze them today (rather than growing them out and then freezing them since this is not a fresh cycle) but since the quality is so poor, Dr. Springer wants to grow them to day 3 to see: a) if any even survive and b) if their quality improves over the next 2 days.
At that point, he will determine if it is worth our money (embryo freezing in 100% OOP) to put our embies on ice until January.
I guess that's all until Wednesday. I'll be praying our embies can surprise everyone and turn things around.
First of all, it turns out that they actually retrieved 5 eggs. One was slightly immature and the other 4 were immature. They actually got them all to mature and 3 fertilized. However, he said that the embryo quality was not very good at all.
Honestly, I wasn't expecting much. I am slightly happy that they got my eggs to mature and fertilize...small victories, right?
We set up a consult for Thursday to go through all my in-depth questions and go over where he would like to go with our new protocol for January.
Our original plan was to freeze them today (rather than growing them out and then freezing them since this is not a fresh cycle) but since the quality is so poor, Dr. Springer wants to grow them to day 3 to see: a) if any even survive and b) if their quality improves over the next 2 days.
At that point, he will determine if it is worth our money (embryo freezing in 100% OOP) to put our embies on ice until January.
I guess that's all until Wednesday. I'll be praying our embies can surprise everyone and turn things around.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
A recap of all the crap from this week...
I guess I will start with Wednesday morning's monitoring appt:
After 8 days of stims, my follicle growth had seemed to stall out and my progesterone level was rising (not good). The RE told me that if my progesterone went above 3, that he would want to cancel the fresh cycle and just do the retreival and freeze the embroyos for a transfer in January. That was only if my follicles kept showed better growth on Thursday. If there was no growth, we would be entirely cancelled....just great.
Later that night, both of my dogs got skunked in the face at bedtime. It was absolutely horrible. We gave them 2 baths and actually got most of the funk out of them. However, the same can't be said for the rest of the house. I cannot begin to describe the horrible stench that is still lingering in our house. I have tried just about every remedy I've read about online and while the smell is much better (4 days later), it is still noticeable. I guess we will just have to wait until it lightens up on it's own.
By Friday morning, our fresh cycle was officially cancelled with our retreival still scheduled for Sunday and the embryos to freeze on Monday. At that point I had 9 follicles, 7 measuring above 15mm.
While we were pretty upset that we wouldn't get to do the transfer this cycle, at least we would be getting some embryos. Little did we know that the universe was not done screwing us over.
Fast forward to the retreival this morning when I came out of the anesthia. I asked the girl in the recovery room how many they got to which she responded "4." Ummm, what??? She said she would get the doctor to dicuss it with me. I was still pretty out of it at this time so I really didn't get to speak with him much, but basically the 4 that they got didn't really even look mature.
None of this even makes sense to me. Out of the 9 that I had 7 measured between 15-20mm on Friday. How is this happening?
He then went on to say that they would try to mature the eggs that they got in the lab (I've never even heard of this being done before) and would hopefully get them to fertilize. Needless to say, I will be calling tomorrow to discuss everythin with him coherently. I can't help but be terrified that my body will respond like this again in January and we will be screwed again...ugh!
After 8 days of stims, my follicle growth had seemed to stall out and my progesterone level was rising (not good). The RE told me that if my progesterone went above 3, that he would want to cancel the fresh cycle and just do the retreival and freeze the embroyos for a transfer in January. That was only if my follicles kept showed better growth on Thursday. If there was no growth, we would be entirely cancelled....just great.
Later that night, both of my dogs got skunked in the face at bedtime. It was absolutely horrible. We gave them 2 baths and actually got most of the funk out of them. However, the same can't be said for the rest of the house. I cannot begin to describe the horrible stench that is still lingering in our house. I have tried just about every remedy I've read about online and while the smell is much better (4 days later), it is still noticeable. I guess we will just have to wait until it lightens up on it's own.
By Friday morning, our fresh cycle was officially cancelled with our retreival still scheduled for Sunday and the embryos to freeze on Monday. At that point I had 9 follicles, 7 measuring above 15mm.
While we were pretty upset that we wouldn't get to do the transfer this cycle, at least we would be getting some embryos. Little did we know that the universe was not done screwing us over.
Fast forward to the retreival this morning when I came out of the anesthia. I asked the girl in the recovery room how many they got to which she responded "4." Ummm, what??? She said she would get the doctor to dicuss it with me. I was still pretty out of it at this time so I really didn't get to speak with him much, but basically the 4 that they got didn't really even look mature.
None of this even makes sense to me. Out of the 9 that I had 7 measured between 15-20mm on Friday. How is this happening?
He then went on to say that they would try to mature the eggs that they got in the lab (I've never even heard of this being done before) and would hopefully get them to fertilize. Needless to say, I will be calling tomorrow to discuss everythin with him coherently. I can't help but be terrified that my body will respond like this again in January and we will be screwed again...ugh!
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