Well This is Going to be Interesting...

As you know our next IVF cycle begins on April 30th.  Of course, wanting to know ahead of time which dates I'll be out of commission for social activities and possibly work, I counted out the days to when my retreival and transfer would take place.  Low and behold, my procedures are going to be taking place either on or just around Mother's Day...fabulous.

I'm not really sure how the heck I am going to manage on THAT day again this year.  Last year, Mother's Day was absolutely terrible for me.  That was the beginning of our treatment and I was such a wreck on any other day, let alone Mother's Day.  When I ran out to get flowers for our moms in the morning and returned home, Brad asked me a simple question and I got upset and started yelling/crying at him.  I should have known then that the entire day was going to be horrific.

Our families did not know about our struggles yet.  Well, I take that back.  Actually my mom knew that we had seen the doctor and I ended up in tears, sobbing that day telling her that we were beginning clomid.  She was supportive but I felt terrible for acting like that and taking the attention away from her. 

Then we got to Brad's parent's house and since the mom's did not want to cook for everyone they asked that it be taken care of...  Well, the guys wouldn't do it, so I ended up in their kitchen by myself preparing all the food while the all the other women (who were moms) sat and chatted at the kitchen table.  To their defense, none of them knew that we were struggling.  We didn't even tell Brad's parents until a few months later.  It took everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, for me to hold it together that day.  It was as if I was being punished and was an outcast because I was not a mom.  

I know that I will have a more than ever blaring reminder this year that I am not yet a mother- more so than just attending the festivities  and seeing all the other moms being celebrated while I sit in the corner and try to hold it together.  No- I will be bloated, bruised, very uncomfortable, and more hormonal than usual when all this takes place.  It's bad enough that every celebration we go to (whether it be a child's birthday party, holiday gathering, or shower) already reminds me of what is missing in our lives.  I'm thinking it will probably be too overwhelming to handle.  I can just see making a fool of myself while I sob hysterically and take the attention off of the women that are being celebrated....very classy!

Plus I don't want to offend anyone, especially mine or Brad's mom by not attending the gatherings on Mother's Day.  I mean, isn't that being selfish?  I know they would fix this for us in a heartbeat if they could.  No one is rooting for us more....So by not going on May 13th am I saying that I can't put my own baggage aside for a moment to celebrate the women that brought us into the world? 

Bottom line is that I just don't know how I'm going to be feeling that day.  It's possible that I will be (emotionally) okay that day and can focus on having a nice time with family.

If my retreival happens to be scheduled on Mother's Day then I have nothing to worry about.  Physically, I won't be able to make it.  Last time the anesthia had me sleeping well into the late afternoon.  I guess that would probably be the best & easiest outcome I could hope for in this situation.

Feeling Good

So, since I last updated, I have been a busy girl.  First things first, my nurse had me come in last week for bloodwork to determine if I could just go straight on the pill (they wanted to see if I had ovulated yet).  Turned out that my progesterone was elevated, indicating that I may have ovulated.  At that point, she told me that if I didn't get my period by the 11th (yesterday), that we would have to wait until the June IVF cycle.  Ugh, that was defeating to hear, especially since I wasn't exactly sure when I ovulated. 

No worries though, my body finally came to the rescue and did something right.  I got my period on Tuesday!  Yay!!! 

So I called the nurse and told her so she could get me scheduled for my med's inventory appointment.  It was at that time that I also found out that stims will be starting a week earlier than I originally thought.  April 30th is the day!  So basically, I am only going to be on the pill for 2 weeks.  Plus, since we are doing an antagonist protocol, I don't have to start any injections until April 25th.  Another awesome truimph...the less bruises in my stomach, the better!  :)

On a side note, I have been doing so well with working out and eating right!  I'm starting to notice a difference in the way I look.  Granted, I've only lost 3 pounds in the last 2 months, I seem to be wearing my weight differently.  I have been consistently sticking to working out 4 times a week and it is really  making me a happy girl! 

Last Saturday I got a fantastic workout when we helped my parents all day at their summer home.  They own a cottage on the Kankakee river that is kind of dilapidated and got water in it a few years ago when the river got out of bank.  They decided last summer to demolish the house and build another one (only raised higher).  They had to have some huge oak tress cut down by a logging company and then they wanted our help to cut up all the wood.  Oh. my. gosh.  it was such an all-body workout! 

This was one of the stumps.  We had to cut up 3 trees this size....oh and you can see my dad in the background. 

 Most of the logs that we cut up were put into this pile for future firewood

This last pile were all the really large logs that will be cut later.

My dad and brother were there when the loggers cut down one of the trees that had to fall on the house because of the lot restrictions by the river.  This is the video:

24

24 is the number of months we have now been trying to conceive. It's not a good feeling that's for sure.... I should be celebrating a child's birthday, a pregnancy, or some other positive milestone in adding to our family. I wonder if I will be writing another one of these posts in 12 months? I can think of nothing better than looking back at this journey 12 months from now, on the other side of infertility. We shall see.

On a separate note, I am now on day 21 of my cycle and I'm not really sure when I will be ovulating since I still haven't. FML. What in the hell is happening to my body and why can't it get back to normal?

Anyways, last cycle it didn't really matter when I O'd but this cycle is different because I will need to be back on bcp's for our May IVF cycle. Brad and I talked on Saturday and decided that I should call the doctor and have them get my period started so we won't be pushing IVF yet another month.

We have pushed it back for 2 months at the advice of both my acupuncturist and my IVF nurse so that my body could get back to normal but I really don't think I want to push it off for another month. Hopefully the nurse is in agreement and they can have me take a progesterone shot after my b/w comes back showing no ovulation yet.

Ugh, could something please just go right?

Fitting In

Back when I first started this blog I was still frequenting the TTGP (trying to get pregnant) message board  (on thebump's website) and had been on it for almost a year.  I remember thinking to myself back then that I wasn't really sure I belonged on that message board anymore.  After all, almost every. single. person. posting seemed to be new.  All those women were moving on except for me.

So, I made the decision (after getting our results back from the RE) that I would look for support on another message board.  I introducted myself on the TTTC (trouble trying to conceive board) and immediately knew it was a good fit for me.  The support that I have gotten from that board has really helped me through some dark times.

However, in the last month or two that feeling has definitely waned.  I'm starting to feel yet again, like I don't belong.  Even though I don't really post there anymore.  I still lurk daily and I'm noticing that soooo many of the women in that community have now graduated and left me in the dust once again. 

It's hard to stay positive and have resolve about things working out for us when I see so many others who seem to have been in the same boat as us, finally get what they were hoping for.  Don't get me wrong...I am so very happy for each and every one of those women.  To struggle with infertility and come out on the other side with a baby is just absolutely wonderful.  It just doesn't change the way it makes feel when I have to endure seeing yet more women accomplish what we have been searching for, for what feels like an eternity. 

I've been wondering lately if I even belong on that message board anymore....Is this the part of our journey where we must start to turn the page and give other options much more thought than before?  I know that I am not ready emotionally (or really anywhere near it) to start planning or even researching adoption, but I can't help but notice this growing voice deep down that is trying to prepare me for what may be our reality.  The sadness that accompanies these thoughts is ever growing.

I know that over time I will learn to move on if neccessary, but looking at what potentially lies ahead for us scares the living crap out of me.  As we get further and further down this path, I'm sure that I (well both Brad and I) will come to a place where we must make decision about treatment and whether or not to continue.  Who knows where I will fit in then... 

A year already?

I just realized today that I started this blog last year at the beginning of March.  I absolutely cannot believe that it has already been a year!  I remember thinking that I had waited too long to start our story...I guess I didn't realize how much longer our story could get...

It does make me kind of sad though......  I really thought I would be pregnant by now.  As much as that stings, I know that I am moving forward and becoming a better person for all the struggle we've been through.  It would just be nice to have achieved the our goal by now.  :(

Here's to continuing to write about "our baby journey"...wherever that journey might take us.  :)

Unexpected

Yesterday I went to a "wellness group" hosted by my docotor's office.  I guess they call it a wellness group because "Support Group" has such a negative conotation.  It was different than I expected it to be- although I'm not really sure what I expected.

My acupuncturist told me about it a couple of weeks ago (he spoke for a portion of time as a guest yesterday) and it peeked my interest as another step I could take to make IF more manageable.

It was a small gathering of 8 women (and 1 man--wow he was brave) with some candles lit and some soft music playing when I walked in.  My IVF nurse was there along with a therapist.  We went around the room and introduced ourselves and gave a brief summary of our respective journies and then the therapist started getting into some deeper things.  Some people started to add their own experiences and before long many women were sharing little tidbits about their lives that I felt a connection with, in some way.  It was nice to hear the same thoughts from my head, coming out of someone else's mouth...made me feel so much more validated. 

Then something happened that I wasn't expecting- I started to get choked up.  At times my eyes would fill up with tears as I would connect with things the therapist or others were saying.  I never actually cried, but all those raw, true emotions came flooding back- emotions that I haven't really felt for over a month.  I think I realized that while I have been doing some really positive things in my life as of late, that I may have also been suppressing some of the grief and loss that I carry with me.

I realized last night that it is still okay to get upset and breakdown about what we are going through because, well...we're still going through it.  Even if we're not in the middle of an IVF cycle (or any other medicated cycle) I shouldn't be pretending like the hurt isn't there.  It was as if I have been so focused on trying to be happy- succeeding for the most part- that I pushed down all my sadness so that I couldn't feel it. 

After last night, I feel like balance is restored--balance that I didn't even realize was missing until all those feelings came flooding back.  And going forward, I need to make sure that I allow those feelings to come up and deal with them in a healthy way.  It's okay to be sad sometimes, as long as I'm making positive steps towards being happy in other areas of my life. 

Infertility does not define who I am.

Acupuncture, Spring Weather, and Running

Since I updated last, I did ask my acupuncturist if I could do the 8k at the end of this month.  He basically told me that I could do it if I really wanted to but he didn't necessarily agree.  I decided against the race and have just been running on my schedule since.  It's actually been really nice to not have to worry about training for a 5 mile race in less than 4 weeks.  This way I can just relax and do whatever I feel comfortable with each day that I run.  It definitely doesn't hurt that the weather has been amazing! 

I'm so glad that (it seems) like spring is finally here.  Don't ge me wrong, I know this is Chicago and that we could still be in store for more cold temperatures and even snow in the next 30 days, but for now I prefer not to think about that and just bask in the break in weather.  I actually wore open toed wedges to work today...it's the small things that make me so happy!!!

With the warm weather, also comes the anticipation of our next IVF cycle in April.  January seems so long ago now and I'm ready to start the ball rolling on treatment again.

My cycle hasn't exactly been normal after IVF in January.  Today is day 38 of my cylce but it's looking like it's going to turn into day 1.  I have been cramping all morning and semi spotting since late Sunday.  I'm actually pretty proud of myself this cycle.  I didn't really chart anything but I did check cervical position a couple of times when I thought I was close to ovulating and I'm pretty sure that I O'd on CD26.  If I get my period today, that puts me at an 11 day LP unmedicated which isn't too bad.  Of course it would have been even better if I got pregnant this cycle, but for obvious reasons, I didn't exactly have my hopes up.  So, it's on to treatment again and I'm actually kind of excited to talk to the nurses and my RE because I kind of miss them.  :)

Oh and last but not least, we are going to Vegas in June with some friends!!!!!  I am so excited to get away and think we'll have a blast!