Well, Thursday is here and the weather still sucks. I can't remember the last time we had sun all day (which is absolutely ridiculous for the end of April)! All this rain and gloom has just been adding to my emotional state...and waistline.
I haven't been running nearly enough the last couple of weeks due to the awful weather conditions. I realize that I need to get back on that train just as soon as possible and then maybe I'll feel a little better about things (and loose a couple of pounds).
I went to Dr again yesterday for the same old--b/w and internal ultrasound. The results: same follicle size as Monday but the possibility that I had already ovulated or was just about to. That information coinsided with the positive opk (ovulation predictor kit) from Tuesday. However, in my body's normal fashion-it's not quite that simple....Not only did my follicle size suck, but my temperature did not go up this morning. In fact it went down. So now, I sit here all day thinking, "well I guess my body wanted to ovulate. It got ready and then did nothing." Now, I don't know for sure that I didn't O. Tomorrow and the next day's temps will tell me that. But, I am definitely feeling more defeated.
This cycle has been awful. I was so excited for the prospects of medication and monitoring when we began a couple of weeks ago. Now here I sit: follicle size is crappy, estrogen level sucks, possibly didn't ovulate and never got anywhere close to being able to use the trigger shot. I mean, really???? I go on medication that is supposed to help produce a bigger, more viable egg and get just the opposite.
I never thought I would be in this situation. I'm sure no one with fertility issues could ever really comprehend going through the heartbreak before they were thrown head-first into this. I know it's not the end of the world and that there are so many other options we can try for future cycles but the fact that the first cycle I was medicated has gone so poorly, doesn't give me the warm and fuzzies. I mean, I fully intended on it still taking several medicated cycles, if not IUI or IVF to get that ever elusive BFP, but I thought I would at least have something going on this cycle. It didn't seem like I had that many issues with my cycle when I was told about my elevated FSH level....I guess I just didn't realize what all that diagnosis entailed.
On a side note, it is National Infertility Awareness Week and I have been reading some pretty comforting articles this week. This video is amazing. I wish I was brave enough to post it on fb. Please watch it:
What IF
The excerpt below is from another woman's blog on the Trouble TTC board on the bump. I read it today and it brought tears to my eyes. I guess I will end my pity party with this and hope that tomorrow will bring new feelings of hope and strength (and a temperature increase).
~~A Letter to my Sisters:
Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two or three or more long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won't be missing.
So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver's wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- "I didn't know you were invited too" we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren't quite so alone.
This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.
There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn't before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all it's sadness and all it's emptiness, and we can't do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other's sorrow, and we share our strength.
And so my Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Just another reason why Monday's suck...
Anyone that reads this blog knows that for the most part, I write about TTC and everything that is affected in our lives by this "baby journey." So it should come as no shock that today's post is about babies. :)
You may remember that previously I was feeling more relaxed this cycle than ever before....Well, that went out the window and I am desperately trying to get that peaceful feeling back this evening.
I have been being monitored this cycle and got 4 different prescriptions filled along with 5 trips to the RE's office this cycle. Every appt is the same: get my bloodwork and an internal ultrasound. Monitoring the growth of my follicles is the main of objective of the ultrasound. I'm thinking all the appointments I've had along with all the prescriptions (one of which is a trigger shot I/brad will have to administer) have definitely added some stress.
As of last Friday, my b/w and follicles looked good. The nurse at the RE told me that I could possibly ovulate over the weekend and I had to come back today for another appt. When they were doing the internal ultrasound this morning my follicles weren't even measuring as big as they had been last Friday...wtf??? How is that possible? The nurse was confused by this as well (the Dr was off today) and she told me she would call me later when she knew more after my b/w came back.
Turns out my estrogen is much lower than it was on Friday. It went from a 315 to a 194. Estrogen is supposed to increase between your period and ovulation. The fact that it not only did not go up, but instead dropped quite significantly means that I may end up releasing an egg that's not quite mature/good quality. If this is what has been happening every cycle, I now understand why I haven't gotten pregnant. However, it's not fun to hear that even on the additional follicle stimulating drugs, my body still sucks.
I know I shouldn't be getting down on myself, but it's so hard. I mean, what the heck? Why can't you just cooperate for once body? A couple of weeks ago it was like I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. With working out, relaxing my stress level, and treatment everything seemed to be lining up for us. Then this....I'm so mad at my body I just want to cry. Why can't I just start to make some ground on getting closer to the goal- bringing a life into this world to love unconditionally?
The way I have written this, you would think that all hope is lost. Well, of course it's not, I'm just beig over dramatic and wallowing in self pity because, well, it's my blog (party) and I can cry if I want to!
The nurse mentioned that there are many other options that will help to stimulate my follicles for a longer period of time than clomid does. Of course, she was telling me about the one's that are injectibles. Great...more shots! :(
So for now, I am scheduled to go back into the office on Wednesday for more b/w and another ultrasound. I'm praying that my follicles shoot up in size and are as close to mature as possible by the time by ovaries decide to release the egg. A girl can dream right?
You may remember that previously I was feeling more relaxed this cycle than ever before....Well, that went out the window and I am desperately trying to get that peaceful feeling back this evening.
I have been being monitored this cycle and got 4 different prescriptions filled along with 5 trips to the RE's office this cycle. Every appt is the same: get my bloodwork and an internal ultrasound. Monitoring the growth of my follicles is the main of objective of the ultrasound. I'm thinking all the appointments I've had along with all the prescriptions (one of which is a trigger shot I/brad will have to administer) have definitely added some stress.
As of last Friday, my b/w and follicles looked good. The nurse at the RE told me that I could possibly ovulate over the weekend and I had to come back today for another appt. When they were doing the internal ultrasound this morning my follicles weren't even measuring as big as they had been last Friday...wtf??? How is that possible? The nurse was confused by this as well (the Dr was off today) and she told me she would call me later when she knew more after my b/w came back.
Turns out my estrogen is much lower than it was on Friday. It went from a 315 to a 194. Estrogen is supposed to increase between your period and ovulation. The fact that it not only did not go up, but instead dropped quite significantly means that I may end up releasing an egg that's not quite mature/good quality. If this is what has been happening every cycle, I now understand why I haven't gotten pregnant. However, it's not fun to hear that even on the additional follicle stimulating drugs, my body still sucks.
I know I shouldn't be getting down on myself, but it's so hard. I mean, what the heck? Why can't you just cooperate for once body? A couple of weeks ago it was like I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. With working out, relaxing my stress level, and treatment everything seemed to be lining up for us. Then this....I'm so mad at my body I just want to cry. Why can't I just start to make some ground on getting closer to the goal- bringing a life into this world to love unconditionally?
The way I have written this, you would think that all hope is lost. Well, of course it's not, I'm just beig over dramatic and wallowing in self pity because, well, it's my blog (party) and I can cry if I want to!
The nurse mentioned that there are many other options that will help to stimulate my follicles for a longer period of time than clomid does. Of course, she was telling me about the one's that are injectibles. Great...more shots! :(
So for now, I am scheduled to go back into the office on Wednesday for more b/w and another ultrasound. I'm praying that my follicles shoot up in size and are as close to mature as possible by the time by ovaries decide to release the egg. A girl can dream right?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Turning a corner
Well, it's been a while since I posted last. Year end at work has been consuming a good majority of my time. Plus, I just haven't felt like I've had all that much to write about. Sometimes I feel like my life is just way to boring!
Today was the start of a new cycle for me.... :( Brad and I talked quite a bit last night about what our next move would be. Even though we initially wanted to wait another cycle, we are both ready to move on to a monitored clomid cycle. Brad made mention that it seems like I have relaxed alot about TTC (he was right.) I have been much more laid back this cycle with a "if it happens, it happens" approach. Don't get me wrong....I was still charting and we timed sex. I was just not as stressed as normal. It was really nice!
This is what I have been waiting for: my mind and body to finally do what I have been hoping to do for a while now: turn the corner that would allow me to relax somewhat and take things in stride. It is hard to describe the sense of peace that has come over me the last few weeks.
So anyways, I called the doctor this morning and made an appointment to go in the day after tomorrow to start my monitoring for this cycle and get the clomid. I am 100% ready for this part of TTC. I'm so glad I waited until it felt right. This way, I am comfortable and almost giddy about the new possibilities.
On a side note, I started running again. A few weeks ago I signed up for a race and have been sticking to running at least 3 times a week with Suki and Mya. It has been absolutely amazing! I really believe that running has been a big part of what has helped me relax and get everything into perspective. Not only that, but getting in shape again can only help fertility along. Even if I get pregnant soon, I will continue to run (although I may have to slow it down a lot). Running is exclusively "me" time and it has become like therapy for me. :)
Okay, back to baby making...
I realized today that I would continue to have to take time off a few times/month for appointments. I obviously don't want to use vacation time so that I can stay under the radar but I also didn't want my boss thinking I was interviewing for other jobs (or who knows what) with all the leaving early and coming in late that will be happening. To fully understand, you would have to know my boss. He is always thinking of some new conspiracy theory and since I don't ever come in late, leave early, or take my lunch (its a small company), his mind would be racing and would eventually ask me about it anyway.
So, I made the decision to tell him what was going on....Wow, was that hard to do! It seriously took me like 5 minutes to even get the words out but when I finally did, he was really great about it. He kept saying "take as much time as you need. You deserve it." I knew the time wouldn't be an issue so much as his mind wondering where I was always sneaking off to. He agreed that it was definitely best that I tell him. He could somewhat relate to my situation. He lost a daughter at birth several years back and said that it was the hardest thing he has been through. I am truly lucky to have such an understanding boss. Now I can come and go as I please without feeling guilty or like I'm hiding something.
So here we are: ready to embark on a new path on our baby journey, praying and hoping that this will bring us what we so desperately want. I am so very ready for the next step and I'm glad that Brad is too.
Today was the start of a new cycle for me.... :( Brad and I talked quite a bit last night about what our next move would be. Even though we initially wanted to wait another cycle, we are both ready to move on to a monitored clomid cycle. Brad made mention that it seems like I have relaxed alot about TTC (he was right.) I have been much more laid back this cycle with a "if it happens, it happens" approach. Don't get me wrong....I was still charting and we timed sex. I was just not as stressed as normal. It was really nice!
This is what I have been waiting for: my mind and body to finally do what I have been hoping to do for a while now: turn the corner that would allow me to relax somewhat and take things in stride. It is hard to describe the sense of peace that has come over me the last few weeks.
So anyways, I called the doctor this morning and made an appointment to go in the day after tomorrow to start my monitoring for this cycle and get the clomid. I am 100% ready for this part of TTC. I'm so glad I waited until it felt right. This way, I am comfortable and almost giddy about the new possibilities.
On a side note, I started running again. A few weeks ago I signed up for a race and have been sticking to running at least 3 times a week with Suki and Mya. It has been absolutely amazing! I really believe that running has been a big part of what has helped me relax and get everything into perspective. Not only that, but getting in shape again can only help fertility along. Even if I get pregnant soon, I will continue to run (although I may have to slow it down a lot). Running is exclusively "me" time and it has become like therapy for me. :)
Okay, back to baby making...
I realized today that I would continue to have to take time off a few times/month for appointments. I obviously don't want to use vacation time so that I can stay under the radar but I also didn't want my boss thinking I was interviewing for other jobs (or who knows what) with all the leaving early and coming in late that will be happening. To fully understand, you would have to know my boss. He is always thinking of some new conspiracy theory and since I don't ever come in late, leave early, or take my lunch (its a small company), his mind would be racing and would eventually ask me about it anyway.
So, I made the decision to tell him what was going on....Wow, was that hard to do! It seriously took me like 5 minutes to even get the words out but when I finally did, he was really great about it. He kept saying "take as much time as you need. You deserve it." I knew the time wouldn't be an issue so much as his mind wondering where I was always sneaking off to. He agreed that it was definitely best that I tell him. He could somewhat relate to my situation. He lost a daughter at birth several years back and said that it was the hardest thing he has been through. I am truly lucky to have such an understanding boss. Now I can come and go as I please without feeling guilty or like I'm hiding something.
So here we are: ready to embark on a new path on our baby journey, praying and hoping that this will bring us what we so desperately want. I am so very ready for the next step and I'm glad that Brad is too.
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