You may remember that previously I was feeling more relaxed this cycle than ever before....Well, that went out the window and I am desperately trying to get that peaceful feeling back this evening.
I have been being monitored this cycle and got 4 different prescriptions filled along with 5 trips to the RE's office this cycle. Every appt is the same: get my bloodwork and an internal ultrasound. Monitoring the growth of my follicles is the main of objective of the ultrasound. I'm thinking all the appointments I've had along with all the prescriptions (one of which is a trigger shot I/brad will have to administer) have definitely added some stress.
As of last Friday, my b/w and follicles looked good. The nurse at the RE told me that I could possibly ovulate over the weekend and I had to come back today for another appt. When they were doing the internal ultrasound this morning my follicles weren't even measuring as big as they had been last Friday...wtf??? How is that possible? The nurse was confused by this as well (the Dr was off today) and she told me she would call me later when she knew more after my b/w came back.
Turns out my estrogen is much lower than it was on Friday. It went from a 315 to a 194. Estrogen is supposed to increase between your period and ovulation. The fact that it not only did not go up, but instead dropped quite significantly means that I may end up releasing an egg that's not quite mature/good quality. If this is what has been happening every cycle, I now understand why I haven't gotten pregnant. However, it's not fun to hear that even on the additional follicle stimulating drugs, my body still sucks.
I know I shouldn't be getting down on myself, but it's so hard. I mean, what the heck? Why can't you just cooperate for once body? A couple of weeks ago it was like I could see a light at the end of the tunnel. With working out, relaxing my stress level, and treatment everything seemed to be lining up for us. Then this....I'm so mad at my body I just want to cry. Why can't I just start to make some ground on getting closer to the goal- bringing a life into this world to love unconditionally?
The way I have written this, you would think that all hope is lost. Well, of course it's not, I'm just beig over dramatic and wallowing in self pity because, well, it's my blog (party) and I can cry if I want to!
The nurse mentioned that there are many other options that will help to stimulate my follicles for a longer period of time than clomid does. Of course, she was telling me about the one's that are injectibles. Great...more shots! :(
So for now, I am scheduled to go back into the office on Wednesday for more b/w and another ultrasound. I'm praying that my follicles shoot up in size and are as close to mature as possible by the time by ovaries decide to release the egg. A girl can dream right?
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