What A Roller Coaster

This past month has been all over the place.  I didn't update at all through this last IVF cycle and now that it's over and I have begun to heal, I can tell our story.

Just to recap; in our first IVF attempt our egg transfer got cancelled because of my elevated progesterone the last couple of days of stims (which messes with the uterine lining).  We had our retrieval but they did not get as many eggs as they hoped and those that they got were immature.  Long story short, they only made it to day 2 and died.  It sucked. 

This cycle started out with my progesterone being a tad bit higher than they like to see it on the day I started stims.  It brought back all the feelings from our last failed cycle.  The doctor wanted to continue with stims because it was still not as high as it got last cycle.  Deep down I had a feeling that it would all fall apart again. 

I was right.  We ended up getting cancelled last Friday.  My progesterone seemed to rise a little at each monitoring appt last week, so I had pretty much been grieving and coming to terms with everything by the time it was over on Friday.  It still hurt A LOT, but we decided not to even try the retrieval because both of us and the doctor felt that there was a possibility that the egg quality would be similar to last time.

So much of this journey has been so unfair.  Everytime we thought we had things figured out or had new hope in a procedure, we were smacked back into place.  When we started IVF back in October I had no idea that we would go through 2 half cycles and get cancelled both times....not even getting a real shot at getting pregnant.  Heartbreaking is the word that comes to mind.

You start to question all the decisions you've made about treatment and start panicking that you are getting closer to a truth you cannot accept.  A biological child may not be within our grasp.

For now, I am working on healing myself and trying to be as relaxed as possible about our potential upcoming March IVF attempt.  Our doctor will be putting me on an antagonist protocol and I will be in accupuncture throughout the cycle.

I am on a path to concentrate on my well being so that I when the time comes I can be as strong as possible to deal with whatever this journey will bring us next.  Hopefully, I can get there.  I'll never know unless I try and give it my all.