I Did It!

I officially came out on Facebook last night for National Infertility Awareness Week. I plan on posting at least a few more times before the week is over....and I can't wait! So far the support has been wonderful. Besides the positive comments and "likes" I got, an old friend that just had a baby messaged me to tell me that she struggled with infertility for 3 years before success. It's so nice when people reach out like that and help you feel just a little bit less alone.

Later this week I am attending a NIAW seminar (and hoping to convince Brad to come with me). I'm hopeful that it will give me the necessary tools to better deal with our upcoming IVF cycle. Every little bit helps, right?

On a side note, I would like to share this video that I found on you tube. It really resonated with me and the way that I feel...not to mention made me cry.

"No one told me about infertility"

Well This is Going to be Interesting...

As you know our next IVF cycle begins on April 30th.  Of course, wanting to know ahead of time which dates I'll be out of commission for social activities and possibly work, I counted out the days to when my retreival and transfer would take place.  Low and behold, my procedures are going to be taking place either on or just around Mother's Day...fabulous.

I'm not really sure how the heck I am going to manage on THAT day again this year.  Last year, Mother's Day was absolutely terrible for me.  That was the beginning of our treatment and I was such a wreck on any other day, let alone Mother's Day.  When I ran out to get flowers for our moms in the morning and returned home, Brad asked me a simple question and I got upset and started yelling/crying at him.  I should have known then that the entire day was going to be horrific.

Our families did not know about our struggles yet.  Well, I take that back.  Actually my mom knew that we had seen the doctor and I ended up in tears, sobbing that day telling her that we were beginning clomid.  She was supportive but I felt terrible for acting like that and taking the attention away from her. 

Then we got to Brad's parent's house and since the mom's did not want to cook for everyone they asked that it be taken care of...  Well, the guys wouldn't do it, so I ended up in their kitchen by myself preparing all the food while the all the other women (who were moms) sat and chatted at the kitchen table.  To their defense, none of them knew that we were struggling.  We didn't even tell Brad's parents until a few months later.  It took everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, for me to hold it together that day.  It was as if I was being punished and was an outcast because I was not a mom.  

I know that I will have a more than ever blaring reminder this year that I am not yet a mother- more so than just attending the festivities  and seeing all the other moms being celebrated while I sit in the corner and try to hold it together.  No- I will be bloated, bruised, very uncomfortable, and more hormonal than usual when all this takes place.  It's bad enough that every celebration we go to (whether it be a child's birthday party, holiday gathering, or shower) already reminds me of what is missing in our lives.  I'm thinking it will probably be too overwhelming to handle.  I can just see making a fool of myself while I sob hysterically and take the attention off of the women that are being celebrated....very classy!

Plus I don't want to offend anyone, especially mine or Brad's mom by not attending the gatherings on Mother's Day.  I mean, isn't that being selfish?  I know they would fix this for us in a heartbeat if they could.  No one is rooting for us more....So by not going on May 13th am I saying that I can't put my own baggage aside for a moment to celebrate the women that brought us into the world? 

Bottom line is that I just don't know how I'm going to be feeling that day.  It's possible that I will be (emotionally) okay that day and can focus on having a nice time with family.

If my retreival happens to be scheduled on Mother's Day then I have nothing to worry about.  Physically, I won't be able to make it.  Last time the anesthia had me sleeping well into the late afternoon.  I guess that would probably be the best & easiest outcome I could hope for in this situation.

Feeling Good

So, since I last updated, I have been a busy girl.  First things first, my nurse had me come in last week for bloodwork to determine if I could just go straight on the pill (they wanted to see if I had ovulated yet).  Turned out that my progesterone was elevated, indicating that I may have ovulated.  At that point, she told me that if I didn't get my period by the 11th (yesterday), that we would have to wait until the June IVF cycle.  Ugh, that was defeating to hear, especially since I wasn't exactly sure when I ovulated. 

No worries though, my body finally came to the rescue and did something right.  I got my period on Tuesday!  Yay!!! 

So I called the nurse and told her so she could get me scheduled for my med's inventory appointment.  It was at that time that I also found out that stims will be starting a week earlier than I originally thought.  April 30th is the day!  So basically, I am only going to be on the pill for 2 weeks.  Plus, since we are doing an antagonist protocol, I don't have to start any injections until April 25th.  Another awesome truimph...the less bruises in my stomach, the better!  :)

On a side note, I have been doing so well with working out and eating right!  I'm starting to notice a difference in the way I look.  Granted, I've only lost 3 pounds in the last 2 months, I seem to be wearing my weight differently.  I have been consistently sticking to working out 4 times a week and it is really  making me a happy girl! 

Last Saturday I got a fantastic workout when we helped my parents all day at their summer home.  They own a cottage on the Kankakee river that is kind of dilapidated and got water in it a few years ago when the river got out of bank.  They decided last summer to demolish the house and build another one (only raised higher).  They had to have some huge oak tress cut down by a logging company and then they wanted our help to cut up all the wood.  Oh. my. gosh.  it was such an all-body workout! 

This was one of the stumps.  We had to cut up 3 trees this size....oh and you can see my dad in the background. 

 Most of the logs that we cut up were put into this pile for future firewood

This last pile were all the really large logs that will be cut later.

My dad and brother were there when the loggers cut down one of the trees that had to fall on the house because of the lot restrictions by the river.  This is the video:

24

24 is the number of months we have now been trying to conceive. It's not a good feeling that's for sure.... I should be celebrating a child's birthday, a pregnancy, or some other positive milestone in adding to our family. I wonder if I will be writing another one of these posts in 12 months? I can think of nothing better than looking back at this journey 12 months from now, on the other side of infertility. We shall see.

On a separate note, I am now on day 21 of my cycle and I'm not really sure when I will be ovulating since I still haven't. FML. What in the hell is happening to my body and why can't it get back to normal?

Anyways, last cycle it didn't really matter when I O'd but this cycle is different because I will need to be back on bcp's for our May IVF cycle. Brad and I talked on Saturday and decided that I should call the doctor and have them get my period started so we won't be pushing IVF yet another month.

We have pushed it back for 2 months at the advice of both my acupuncturist and my IVF nurse so that my body could get back to normal but I really don't think I want to push it off for another month. Hopefully the nurse is in agreement and they can have me take a progesterone shot after my b/w comes back showing no ovulation yet.

Ugh, could something please just go right?