Well, well....After 2 martini's I'm feeling no pain tonight. I probably shouldn't be posting considering my BAC, but here goes....
Let's start with a recap of work this week. I'm the accounting manager at a distributing company and our year end is 3/31. This means lots of extra work this time of year: and to go with that work...extra stress! While I love my job, these past couple of weeks haven't been the easiest. Overall, I am thankful that year end is next Thursday and within 2 weeks after that, most of the intense, tedious work will be done. And then, on to summertime!! :)
Brad and I had a really nice talk tonight. We watched "Life As We Know It" with Kathryn Heigl and talked/cried (well, I cried) after the movie. There were lots of tears as I basically just vented to my wonderful husband that I wished I could give him a baby and make our little family complete. Sometimes as a girl, I just think we all need to have a good cry (and that's exactly what I did tonight--but with a purpose). It felt really good to just get it all out. The kind of crying that has been pent up for days, possibly weeks, and just rolls the tears off your face. We talked about our future life and he reassured me that everything would be okay. Deep down, I know no matter what that we will weather this storm. We have been together over 10 years and overcome so much. Whoever said that marriage (and relationships) are work was so very right. But it's also so very worth it. I wouldn't/couldn't imagine living my life with anyone other than Brad. He is my other half, my confidant, my soulmate. Someone was definitely looking out for me when he walked into my life---he's everything I need and will ever need...
Okay, enough of the sappy stuff for tonight. On to my bloodwork results for this cycle. As you will recall, last cycle my FSH was elevated at an 11.5. This cycle it was 8.5 (much better). While, your FSH fluctuates every cycle, it is a good sign that at least it wasn't higher this cycle. Thank goodness for small victories! Who knows, this may be our cycle....(but how many times have I said that before???)
Even if this isn't our cycle, I still feel like I have learned a lot recently: although throughout this whole process I feel as if I am constantly learning and growing. Even though things have been tough to deal with, both myself and Brad have learned and grown so much in the last year--the kinds of lessons that you will take with you for the rest of your life--at least we have that--and each other. No matter what happens in these next couple of months, I know that I have the love and never-ending support of a great man (and a great father). Even if we can't conceive on our own, I will be so very thankful that God gave me such an incredible person to spend my life with.
I guess that's all for now. I'm so thankful for ALL that I do have!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring is here!
Today is the first official day of Spring and I couldn't be happier! On to beautiful weather, cute new outfits, and getting back into shape. :)
I started running outside last week and am so glad that the weather has cooperated thus far. My two siberian huskies/babies Suki and Mya run with me and have a blast! I also committed to running a 5k and an 8k in May with Kellie, one of my good friends that moved just 2 miles down the road from us last summer. Now that I have a goal, that should keep me focused on working out!
This past weekend was nice and relaxing. I had some girl time on Saturday and then had the house to myself that night because Brad was at a fantasy baseball draft. Sunday morning I got my hair done and then last night on Sunday, we went to dinner with my parents for a belated birthday celebration for Brad.
March madness is in full swing. I filled out a bracket for work and it's doing terribly! I normally couldn't care less about NCAA basketball, but something about March madness is so fun and appealing....could be that there is money involved! ;)
Even though today is Monday, I'm in an overall great mood (must be the weather). I have my phone consult on Wednesday afternoon to go over my newest bloodwork results. Here's to hoping that goes as well as possible. Since I have already accepted the fact that something is not right, I'm hoping to be able to focus and get a clear game plan going forward....Brad and I talked last night about possibly starting the clomid next cycle (moving it up one month) if my results are still really poor. But I guess only time will tell. I told Brad that I want to be 100% comfortable and ready for any step we choose to take going forward so that I can be as relaxed as possible.
I started running outside last week and am so glad that the weather has cooperated thus far. My two siberian huskies/babies Suki and Mya run with me and have a blast! I also committed to running a 5k and an 8k in May with Kellie, one of my good friends that moved just 2 miles down the road from us last summer. Now that I have a goal, that should keep me focused on working out!
This past weekend was nice and relaxing. I had some girl time on Saturday and then had the house to myself that night because Brad was at a fantasy baseball draft. Sunday morning I got my hair done and then last night on Sunday, we went to dinner with my parents for a belated birthday celebration for Brad.
March madness is in full swing. I filled out a bracket for work and it's doing terribly! I normally couldn't care less about NCAA basketball, but something about March madness is so fun and appealing....could be that there is money involved! ;)
Even though today is Monday, I'm in an overall great mood (must be the weather). I have my phone consult on Wednesday afternoon to go over my newest bloodwork results. Here's to hoping that goes as well as possible. Since I have already accepted the fact that something is not right, I'm hoping to be able to focus and get a clear game plan going forward....Brad and I talked last night about possibly starting the clomid next cycle (moving it up one month) if my results are still really poor. But I guess only time will tell. I told Brad that I want to be 100% comfortable and ready for any step we choose to take going forward so that I can be as relaxed as possible.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
It's been one of those days...
Well actually, its been a very turbulent 2 days, but I digress. Yesterday was a low point for me. I started doing quite a bit of FSH research online and was reading some absolutely horrible things. I must have spent over half my day at work looking up everything I could about elevated FSH and ways/chances of conceiving. That was a big mistake on my part. However, hindsight is always 20/20. By the end of work I was pretty upset with all the information I had stumbled upon making it seem like my chances were pretty slim of getting KU with my own eggs.
Most of the information I was getting was either pointing to IVF as a very, very strong possibility or even using a donor egg if my FSH becomes as little as 1 point higher. I couldn't believe it--having to use a donor egg was not something I had considered as an option when I talke to the RE at our appointment last week. I tried to call the RE's office on my way home from work, but they were already closed...crap!
Brad and I talked about all my findings and he was super supportive and kept reassuring me that no matter what we would figure this out and everything would be fine. He also told me to stop looking on the internet and just wait and ask the nurse at the RE's office all my questions.
Well, needless to say, I didn't listen to him and continued to pollute my mind all night. By about 9 pm I had become so overwhelmed I couldn't even talk to him about it. He kept asking me questions and I would give one word answers. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I talk everything to death. I'm the queen of talking through every little thing in my life. Brad knew something was really wrong was really worried about me. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was doomed. Stupid I know, but I couldn't shake it. Such an incredible sense of loss, I guess.
Fast forward to this morning when I was able to get ahold of a nurse in my RE's office. Well, I can't tell you how wonderful she was! We talked about everything and she was so supportive. Basically, she told me the same thing that Brad did; the internet was my worst enemy and if I had any questions or needed any support going forward, to call her. She then went on to tell me all the reasons why I will get pregnant and even have a good chance of getting there without IVF. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!...after all my "internet research" I had started to believe that it was foolish for Brad and I to continue to try for another couple of cycles, then try clomid, and not jump straight into IVF. She said some things that really helped me see what she was trying to get through to me and understand why I'm such a basketcase about all of this.
For the past couple of months I have been feeling stupid for being this upset about not being pregnant already. I think about it constantly and have been grieving with the possibility of infertility. In a nut shell she told me that fertility is a very weird event and can cause such a great amount of emotional fluctuations, it's incredible. It's important to surround yourself with people that support you and keep a positive attitude because at the end of the day, the likelihood of having children is pretty high.
I just hope that one day soon, I can break free of this emotional rollercoaster and celebrate a pregnancy. I am getting worn out from all the worry, waiting, and hoping. Until I get to a point where I can relax, I will just have to get through my emotions the best I can.
Most of the information I was getting was either pointing to IVF as a very, very strong possibility or even using a donor egg if my FSH becomes as little as 1 point higher. I couldn't believe it--having to use a donor egg was not something I had considered as an option when I talke to the RE at our appointment last week. I tried to call the RE's office on my way home from work, but they were already closed...crap!
Brad and I talked about all my findings and he was super supportive and kept reassuring me that no matter what we would figure this out and everything would be fine. He also told me to stop looking on the internet and just wait and ask the nurse at the RE's office all my questions.
Well, needless to say, I didn't listen to him and continued to pollute my mind all night. By about 9 pm I had become so overwhelmed I couldn't even talk to him about it. He kept asking me questions and I would give one word answers. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I talk everything to death. I'm the queen of talking through every little thing in my life. Brad knew something was really wrong was really worried about me. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was doomed. Stupid I know, but I couldn't shake it. Such an incredible sense of loss, I guess.
Fast forward to this morning when I was able to get ahold of a nurse in my RE's office. Well, I can't tell you how wonderful she was! We talked about everything and she was so supportive. Basically, she told me the same thing that Brad did; the internet was my worst enemy and if I had any questions or needed any support going forward, to call her. She then went on to tell me all the reasons why I will get pregnant and even have a good chance of getting there without IVF. I couldn't believe what I was hearing!...after all my "internet research" I had started to believe that it was foolish for Brad and I to continue to try for another couple of cycles, then try clomid, and not jump straight into IVF. She said some things that really helped me see what she was trying to get through to me and understand why I'm such a basketcase about all of this.
For the past couple of months I have been feeling stupid for being this upset about not being pregnant already. I think about it constantly and have been grieving with the possibility of infertility. In a nut shell she told me that fertility is a very weird event and can cause such a great amount of emotional fluctuations, it's incredible. It's important to surround yourself with people that support you and keep a positive attitude because at the end of the day, the likelihood of having children is pretty high.
I just hope that one day soon, I can break free of this emotional rollercoaster and celebrate a pregnancy. I am getting worn out from all the worry, waiting, and hoping. Until I get to a point where I can relax, I will just have to get through my emotions the best I can.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Back from the Doctor
We had our follow up consult yesterday at the RE to go over all the testing we had done this last cycle. He started with Brad's results: all good, however it seems that everything for me is fine also expect for my FSH levels. FSH is the measurement of bad eggs to good eggs. Everyone has bad and good eggs. They like to see a low level of bad to good, but mine was a little elevated. Well, that kind of stung.... But at least we now know that is what has probably been causing it to take a while for us. The doctor then went into detail and also said that we could still very well get pregnant on our own. It could be this cycle, it could be several years...there's really not a definite way of knowing. It depends on the quality of the single egg that is released each cycle.
So, he talked to us about options for future cycles. He went over all the levels of clomid and the additional things that go along with that. And then he talked about possible side effects and chances of having twins (something that scares the crap out of me.) Twins would be so very financially draining that I would be worried about being able to give my children everything they deserve. He also mentioned that it would be okay to continue to try on our own.
By the time that Brad and I left we both knew that we were at least going to try one more cycle before an internvention. Once at home and talking further, we came to an actual consensus that we would try for 2 more cycles on our own, which would bring us to the 1 year mark, and then go ahead with the monitored clomid cycle.
Ugh...yesterday I was feeling okay and upbeat about all of this. I'm not sure if it's because it hadn't sunk in yet or what, but today is a different story. I'm kind of down this morning and really feeling out this cycle..kind of getting it in my head that I shouldn't get my hopes up because we will probably need medical assistance to get pregnant. I never thought before we started trying that it would actually come to this. I mean, it was always in the back of my mind as a possibility because you hear so much about lots of people have infertility isssues. But I thought, well everyone in mine and Brad's family has no problem of getting KU...lots of surprise babies. And here we sit...we did it all in the right order: went to college together, graduated, got really good jobs, moved in together and got married, bought a house for a large family, and planned everything out financially to know FOR SURE that we could afford a baby. Sometimes, it is hard to accept that life is not designed to be fair. You get your hopes up so high.
The positive side to this is that I know I will be able to get pregnant. I was just hoping to do it on my own...
So, he talked to us about options for future cycles. He went over all the levels of clomid and the additional things that go along with that. And then he talked about possible side effects and chances of having twins (something that scares the crap out of me.) Twins would be so very financially draining that I would be worried about being able to give my children everything they deserve. He also mentioned that it would be okay to continue to try on our own.
By the time that Brad and I left we both knew that we were at least going to try one more cycle before an internvention. Once at home and talking further, we came to an actual consensus that we would try for 2 more cycles on our own, which would bring us to the 1 year mark, and then go ahead with the monitored clomid cycle.
Ugh...yesterday I was feeling okay and upbeat about all of this. I'm not sure if it's because it hadn't sunk in yet or what, but today is a different story. I'm kind of down this morning and really feeling out this cycle..kind of getting it in my head that I shouldn't get my hopes up because we will probably need medical assistance to get pregnant. I never thought before we started trying that it would actually come to this. I mean, it was always in the back of my mind as a possibility because you hear so much about lots of people have infertility isssues. But I thought, well everyone in mine and Brad's family has no problem of getting KU...lots of surprise babies. And here we sit...we did it all in the right order: went to college together, graduated, got really good jobs, moved in together and got married, bought a house for a large family, and planned everything out financially to know FOR SURE that we could afford a baby. Sometimes, it is hard to accept that life is not designed to be fair. You get your hopes up so high.
The positive side to this is that I know I will be able to get pregnant. I was just hoping to do it on my own...
Monday, March 7, 2011
I guess I should have started this a while ago...
Well, I'll try to make this as short and sweet as possible without leaving too much out. Today is March 7th and I am officially 3 dpo....Thank God! DH and I started our baby journey seriously last year in May. That is when I went off the pill and started getting used to the idea that very soon, I could be carrying a little one. At that time I had no idea how hard this whole process was going to be and how much I truly love my husband.
For the first few months, we had the "whatever happens, happens" approach and I quickly found that to be not exactly meshing with my type A personality. In July we started somewhat trying to time BD according to a normal woman's cycle (assuming I was O'ing on day 14ish). July was the same month my best friend Molly decided to go off the pill also with the idea that her and her husband would really start "trying" until December. Fast forward to the end of August when Molly was a week late and I pushed her to go get a test just so she could feel better because I was so sure it would be negative and it was still her body adjusting to being off the pill. When I picked up the phone a couple of hours later and heard "umm, do you have a minute," I just about leapt off my couch through the ceiling...I knew exactly what she was telling me...she was pregnant!
That day was the turning point in my own TTC process. While I was so overjoyed for my bestie, something inside me started becoming really apparent: I wanted a child so badly it hurt. I guess it took having someone so close to me getting pregnant to realize just how much I yearned for a child. It was then that I decided I would start charting my cycles. Previously, Molly had told me about a website called "The Bump" and I was hooked on the trying to get pregnant board. That was where I got all the info I needed to start charting.
That first month charting was both exciting and stressful all in one. I quickly realized I wasn't O'ing when I thought. It seems I am late to O in cycle (usually around CD 18-22). Well, I realized we had been off in our timing the previous months. But at least now, we had a game plan and I knew what my body was doing.
As each cycle came and went, it seemed that there was always something new to learn from my body and new emotions to get through. Without going into detail on each cycle, it is safe to say that my body doesn't exactly stay the same month to month. In fact, the website that I use to chart specifically said that my charts vary more than what should be expected...just lovely. Each month would start out with such hope thinking "this has got to be it for us." When January ended I could no longer quiet the little voice in my head that was telling me, "there might be something wrong." Being the annoying type A that I am, I couldn't just sit by for another 3 cycles until our 1 year mark and wait. I know, I know, it can take a perfectly healthy couple a year to concieve, but my mind just doesn't work like that. Plus, even if I did prove that nothing was wrong with some tests, I wouldn't have regretted it. So, I went online and found an RE not far from where I work and made a consult for myself and DH.
I want to take a second here to go into just how lucky I am to have found someone that is perfect for me and would do anything for me and our relationship. Throughout this entire process and the emotional rollercoaster I have been on, Brad has been there every step of the way holding me, helping me, and giving such great strength and support, that I trully don't think I could have done this without him....he is going to make such an incredible father. I just hope I can give him the child he deserves.
When we went to the RE's office for our initial visit I was elated with the prospect of the testing that they were setting up for us immediately and the general attitude of the staff. They were so wonderful! I kept thinking in the back of my mind before we went in that they would look at me and laugh when they saw that I was still 3 months shy of trying for a year and tell me to come back later. However, they were nothing like that, if anything they validated everything I had been feeling and agreed that we should begin testing. We had to wait until the end of my next cycle for my testing (internal ultrasound and HSG) but Brad was able to give a "sample" for an analysis.
Wouldn't you know it, I didn't even ovulate that cycle...I kept waiting ,and waiting, and waiting. It was the lowest I had felt during this entire process. I told DH one night that I was broken and just cried. Now, I realize that there are women out there that go through so much more than what I have, but no matter how you slice it, every cycle that doesn't work is a loss...a loss of a child that you could have had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I can only assume that other women are similar in the thought process of "I was put on this earth to have children and my life will not be complete without that."- It may seem a little doom and gloom but it has gone through my mind since I was a little girl. I thank God that, that cycle had ended around the normal range of cycle length for me...I would have lost it if I had to wait months to get my period.
So, my next cycle started on Feb 20 and I got all my testing done by CD 9. You can imagine how blown away I was last week on Friday, CD 13 to get a positive ovualtion kit! I could not believe it...I had never, ever ovulated before day 18! Even if this isn't our cycle, just know that my body is acting like "the norm" for everyone else is a small victory. Our follow up consult is this Thursday and we will go over all of our test results. Mostly I am excited to know the answer but at the same time to actually get a diagnosis telling me that we truly have an issue will be heartbreaking.
Throughout this whole process I have kept one thing in mind: things really do happen when they are supposed to. When it's right for us, it will happen. Until then, this is God's way of teaching me patience- something I know that I will need to raise a child.
Wow, that was a lot longer than I was hoping to make it. Praying that this is our cycle.
For the first few months, we had the "whatever happens, happens" approach and I quickly found that to be not exactly meshing with my type A personality. In July we started somewhat trying to time BD according to a normal woman's cycle (assuming I was O'ing on day 14ish). July was the same month my best friend Molly decided to go off the pill also with the idea that her and her husband would really start "trying" until December. Fast forward to the end of August when Molly was a week late and I pushed her to go get a test just so she could feel better because I was so sure it would be negative and it was still her body adjusting to being off the pill. When I picked up the phone a couple of hours later and heard "umm, do you have a minute," I just about leapt off my couch through the ceiling...I knew exactly what she was telling me...she was pregnant!
That day was the turning point in my own TTC process. While I was so overjoyed for my bestie, something inside me started becoming really apparent: I wanted a child so badly it hurt. I guess it took having someone so close to me getting pregnant to realize just how much I yearned for a child. It was then that I decided I would start charting my cycles. Previously, Molly had told me about a website called "The Bump" and I was hooked on the trying to get pregnant board. That was where I got all the info I needed to start charting.
That first month charting was both exciting and stressful all in one. I quickly realized I wasn't O'ing when I thought. It seems I am late to O in cycle (usually around CD 18-22). Well, I realized we had been off in our timing the previous months. But at least now, we had a game plan and I knew what my body was doing.
As each cycle came and went, it seemed that there was always something new to learn from my body and new emotions to get through. Without going into detail on each cycle, it is safe to say that my body doesn't exactly stay the same month to month. In fact, the website that I use to chart specifically said that my charts vary more than what should be expected...just lovely. Each month would start out with such hope thinking "this has got to be it for us." When January ended I could no longer quiet the little voice in my head that was telling me, "there might be something wrong." Being the annoying type A that I am, I couldn't just sit by for another 3 cycles until our 1 year mark and wait. I know, I know, it can take a perfectly healthy couple a year to concieve, but my mind just doesn't work like that. Plus, even if I did prove that nothing was wrong with some tests, I wouldn't have regretted it. So, I went online and found an RE not far from where I work and made a consult for myself and DH.
I want to take a second here to go into just how lucky I am to have found someone that is perfect for me and would do anything for me and our relationship. Throughout this entire process and the emotional rollercoaster I have been on, Brad has been there every step of the way holding me, helping me, and giving such great strength and support, that I trully don't think I could have done this without him....he is going to make such an incredible father. I just hope I can give him the child he deserves.
When we went to the RE's office for our initial visit I was elated with the prospect of the testing that they were setting up for us immediately and the general attitude of the staff. They were so wonderful! I kept thinking in the back of my mind before we went in that they would look at me and laugh when they saw that I was still 3 months shy of trying for a year and tell me to come back later. However, they were nothing like that, if anything they validated everything I had been feeling and agreed that we should begin testing. We had to wait until the end of my next cycle for my testing (internal ultrasound and HSG) but Brad was able to give a "sample" for an analysis.
Wouldn't you know it, I didn't even ovulate that cycle...I kept waiting ,and waiting, and waiting. It was the lowest I had felt during this entire process. I told DH one night that I was broken and just cried. Now, I realize that there are women out there that go through so much more than what I have, but no matter how you slice it, every cycle that doesn't work is a loss...a loss of a child that you could have had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I can only assume that other women are similar in the thought process of "I was put on this earth to have children and my life will not be complete without that."- It may seem a little doom and gloom but it has gone through my mind since I was a little girl. I thank God that, that cycle had ended around the normal range of cycle length for me...I would have lost it if I had to wait months to get my period.
So, my next cycle started on Feb 20 and I got all my testing done by CD 9. You can imagine how blown away I was last week on Friday, CD 13 to get a positive ovualtion kit! I could not believe it...I had never, ever ovulated before day 18! Even if this isn't our cycle, just know that my body is acting like "the norm" for everyone else is a small victory. Our follow up consult is this Thursday and we will go over all of our test results. Mostly I am excited to know the answer but at the same time to actually get a diagnosis telling me that we truly have an issue will be heartbreaking.
Throughout this whole process I have kept one thing in mind: things really do happen when they are supposed to. When it's right for us, it will happen. Until then, this is God's way of teaching me patience- something I know that I will need to raise a child.
Wow, that was a lot longer than I was hoping to make it. Praying that this is our cycle.
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