Well, I'll try to make this as short and sweet as possible without leaving too much out. Today is March 7th and I am officially 3 dpo....Thank God! DH and I started our baby journey seriously last year in May. That is when I went off the pill and started getting used to the idea that very soon, I could be carrying a little one. At that time I had no idea how hard this whole process was going to be and how much I truly love my husband.
For the first few months, we had the "whatever happens, happens" approach and I quickly found that to be not exactly meshing with my type A personality. In July we started somewhat trying to time BD according to a normal woman's cycle (assuming I was O'ing on day 14ish). July was the same month my best friend Molly decided to go off the pill also with the idea that her and her husband would really start "trying" until December. Fast forward to the end of August when Molly was a week late and I pushed her to go get a test just so she could feel better because I was so sure it would be negative and it was still her body adjusting to being off the pill. When I picked up the phone a couple of hours later and heard "umm, do you have a minute," I just about leapt off my couch through the ceiling...I knew exactly what she was telling me...she was pregnant!
That day was the turning point in my own TTC process. While I was so overjoyed for my bestie, something inside me started becoming really apparent: I wanted a child so badly it hurt. I guess it took having someone so close to me getting pregnant to realize just how much I yearned for a child. It was then that I decided I would start charting my cycles. Previously, Molly had told me about a website called "The Bump" and I was hooked on the trying to get pregnant board. That was where I got all the info I needed to start charting.
That first month charting was both exciting and stressful all in one. I quickly realized I wasn't O'ing when I thought. It seems I am late to O in cycle (usually around CD 18-22). Well, I realized we had been off in our timing the previous months. But at least now, we had a game plan and I knew what my body was doing.
As each cycle came and went, it seemed that there was always something new to learn from my body and new emotions to get through. Without going into detail on each cycle, it is safe to say that my body doesn't exactly stay the same month to month. In fact, the website that I use to chart specifically said that my charts vary more than what should be expected...just lovely. Each month would start out with such hope thinking "this has got to be it for us." When January ended I could no longer quiet the little voice in my head that was telling me, "there might be something wrong." Being the annoying type A that I am, I couldn't just sit by for another 3 cycles until our 1 year mark and wait. I know, I know, it can take a perfectly healthy couple a year to concieve, but my mind just doesn't work like that. Plus, even if I did prove that nothing was wrong with some tests, I wouldn't have regretted it. So, I went online and found an RE not far from where I work and made a consult for myself and DH.
I want to take a second here to go into just how lucky I am to have found someone that is perfect for me and would do anything for me and our relationship. Throughout this entire process and the emotional rollercoaster I have been on, Brad has been there every step of the way holding me, helping me, and giving such great strength and support, that I trully don't think I could have done this without him....he is going to make such an incredible father. I just hope I can give him the child he deserves.
When we went to the RE's office for our initial visit I was elated with the prospect of the testing that they were setting up for us immediately and the general attitude of the staff. They were so wonderful! I kept thinking in the back of my mind before we went in that they would look at me and laugh when they saw that I was still 3 months shy of trying for a year and tell me to come back later. However, they were nothing like that, if anything they validated everything I had been feeling and agreed that we should begin testing. We had to wait until the end of my next cycle for my testing (internal ultrasound and HSG) but Brad was able to give a "sample" for an analysis.
Wouldn't you know it, I didn't even ovulate that cycle...I kept waiting ,and waiting, and waiting. It was the lowest I had felt during this entire process. I told DH one night that I was broken and just cried. Now, I realize that there are women out there that go through so much more than what I have, but no matter how you slice it, every cycle that doesn't work is a loss...a loss of a child that you could have had. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I can only assume that other women are similar in the thought process of "I was put on this earth to have children and my life will not be complete without that."- It may seem a little doom and gloom but it has gone through my mind since I was a little girl. I thank God that, that cycle had ended around the normal range of cycle length for me...I would have lost it if I had to wait months to get my period.
So, my next cycle started on Feb 20 and I got all my testing done by CD 9. You can imagine how blown away I was last week on Friday, CD 13 to get a positive ovualtion kit! I could not believe it...I had never, ever ovulated before day 18! Even if this isn't our cycle, just know that my body is acting like "the norm" for everyone else is a small victory. Our follow up consult is this Thursday and we will go over all of our test results. Mostly I am excited to know the answer but at the same time to actually get a diagnosis telling me that we truly have an issue will be heartbreaking.
Throughout this whole process I have kept one thing in mind: things really do happen when they are supposed to. When it's right for us, it will happen. Until then, this is God's way of teaching me patience- something I know that I will need to raise a child.
Wow, that was a lot longer than I was hoping to make it. Praying that this is our cycle.
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