It's been one of those days...

Well actually, its been a very turbulent 2 days, but I digress.  Yesterday was a low point for me.  I started doing quite a bit of FSH research online and was reading some absolutely horrible things.  I must have spent over half my day at work looking up everything I could about elevated FSH and ways/chances of conceiving.  That was a big mistake on my part.  However, hindsight is always 20/20.  By the end of work I was pretty upset with all the information I had stumbled upon making it seem like my chances were pretty slim of getting KU with my own eggs.

Most of the information I was getting was either pointing to IVF as a very, very strong possibility or even using a donor egg if my FSH becomes as little as 1 point higher.  I couldn't believe it--having to use a donor egg was not something I had considered as an option when I talke to the RE at our appointment last week.  I tried to call the RE's office on my way home from work, but they were already closed...crap!

Brad and I talked about all my findings and he was super supportive and kept reassuring me that no matter what we would figure this out and everything would be fine.  He also told me to stop looking on the internet and just wait and ask the nurse at the RE's office all my questions.

Well, needless to say, I didn't listen to him and continued to pollute my mind all night.  By about 9 pm I had become so overwhelmed I couldn't even talk to him about it.  He kept asking me questions and I would give one word answers.  Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I talk everything to death.  I'm the queen of talking through every little thing in my life.  Brad knew something was really wrong was really worried about me. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was doomed.  Stupid I know, but I couldn't shake it.  Such an incredible sense of loss, I guess.

Fast forward to this morning when I was able to get ahold of a nurse in my RE's office.  Well, I can't tell you how wonderful she was!  We talked about everything and she was so supportive.  Basically, she told me the same thing that Brad did; the internet was my worst enemy and if I had any questions or needed any support going forward, to call her.  She then went on to tell me all the reasons why I will get pregnant and even have a good chance of getting there without IVF.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing!...after all my "internet research" I had started to believe that it was foolish for Brad and I to continue to try for another couple of cycles, then try clomid, and not jump straight into IVF.  She said some things that really helped me see what she was trying to get through to me and understand why I'm such a basketcase about all of this.

For the past couple of months I have been feeling stupid for being this upset about not being pregnant already.  I think about it constantly and have been grieving with the possibility of infertility.  In a nut shell she told me that fertility is a very weird event and can cause such a great amount of emotional fluctuations, it's incredible.  It's important to surround yourself with people that support you and keep a positive attitude because at the end of the day, the likelihood of having children is pretty high.

I just hope that one day soon, I can break free of this emotional rollercoaster and celebrate a pregnancy.  I am getting worn out from all the worry, waiting, and hoping.  Until I get to a point where I can relax, I will just have to get through my emotions the best I can.