Fitting In

Back when I first started this blog I was still frequenting the TTGP (trying to get pregnant) message board  (on thebump's website) and had been on it for almost a year.  I remember thinking to myself back then that I wasn't really sure I belonged on that message board anymore.  After all, almost every. single. person. posting seemed to be new.  All those women were moving on except for me.

So, I made the decision (after getting our results back from the RE) that I would look for support on another message board.  I introducted myself on the TTTC (trouble trying to conceive board) and immediately knew it was a good fit for me.  The support that I have gotten from that board has really helped me through some dark times.

However, in the last month or two that feeling has definitely waned.  I'm starting to feel yet again, like I don't belong.  Even though I don't really post there anymore.  I still lurk daily and I'm noticing that soooo many of the women in that community have now graduated and left me in the dust once again. 

It's hard to stay positive and have resolve about things working out for us when I see so many others who seem to have been in the same boat as us, finally get what they were hoping for.  Don't get me wrong...I am so very happy for each and every one of those women.  To struggle with infertility and come out on the other side with a baby is just absolutely wonderful.  It just doesn't change the way it makes feel when I have to endure seeing yet more women accomplish what we have been searching for, for what feels like an eternity. 

I've been wondering lately if I even belong on that message board anymore....Is this the part of our journey where we must start to turn the page and give other options much more thought than before?  I know that I am not ready emotionally (or really anywhere near it) to start planning or even researching adoption, but I can't help but notice this growing voice deep down that is trying to prepare me for what may be our reality.  The sadness that accompanies these thoughts is ever growing.

I know that over time I will learn to move on if neccessary, but looking at what potentially lies ahead for us scares the living crap out of me.  As we get further and further down this path, I'm sure that I (well both Brad and I) will come to a place where we must make decision about treatment and whether or not to continue.  Who knows where I will fit in then...