It's been a few weeks since updated and I have to admit, things are just chugging along at a nice pace.
I'm still doing acupuncture and incorporating some additional herbs along with my healthy eating. It has really been great, doing all of these proactive things that are really making me feel better. Physically I have more energy and emotionally I'm not as all over the place as I was before. Although, part of that could be because we aren't really in the middle of anything that can cause stress. If I'm still this even keeled when IVF comes around in April I will be truly pleased!
I've been working on creating more "me" time and focusing on how many things in my life I am incredibly thankful for...it's funny how many of those things were hidden when I was overwhelming myself with IF. The only thing that sucks is that my acupuncturist told me that I should not be running for more than 30 minutes. I'm sure that this wouldn't be that big of a deal to some, but to me it is no fun. I use running as a form of therapy and have come to love my time with just my dogs and the pavement. I would love to do an 8k at the end of March in the city and I am going to bring this up to him tonight at my appt. If he makes it clear that it would definitely not be in my best interest, then I will definitely follow his suggestion.
Even if I can't do the race, just knowing that the weather is improving and gradually getting warmer is plenty of excitement for me! I can't wait for summer!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
And....We're Changing It Up Again
Okay, so our original plan for the last few weeks has been to pursue the next IVF cycle that was available to us in March. We have never taken our foot off the gas pedal (so to speak) since we started TTC some 21 months ago. March just seemed the obvious (and only) decision we had.
That all changed after talking to my acupuncturist and the IVF nurse at our RE's office. During my initial consult last week, my acupuncturist had mentioned that since it seems like we are dealing with a possible egg quality issue, we would be focusing on getting my body in a better/more healthy place to create good quality eggs. He also told me that it takes the body 3-4 months to grow a follicle that will become an egg to be released. We were not pushed in one direction or another, because he said that we should do what feels right for our situation. However, at that point the seed was already planted that maybe we were pushing this thing just too fast and putting more strain on my body than needed....After all, that would be 3 back to back IVF cycles with some form of constant medication pumping through me. Not only that but we had been on some form of a medicated cycle since last year in May.
Fast forward to this week when I called my IVF nurse so that we could get things arranged for our next cycle and start bcp's again. She asked about our plans and then suggested (very politely might I add) that it might be a good idea to give my body a rest. As much as I feel like it's totally not my personality to let up on the pressure, I need to start listening to all the people in my life that have more information than I do.
After talking it through with Brad yesterday, we decided to wait until the April cycle. I realize that it is only a month longer and that some people may be rolling their eyes at "the big decision" this was, but hey...this was a big deal for us (more so for me with my type A, OCD personality).
So there it is. We are going to hopefully be going through with another cycle in April. And you know what? I'm totally at peace and happy with that decision. :)
That all changed after talking to my acupuncturist and the IVF nurse at our RE's office. During my initial consult last week, my acupuncturist had mentioned that since it seems like we are dealing with a possible egg quality issue, we would be focusing on getting my body in a better/more healthy place to create good quality eggs. He also told me that it takes the body 3-4 months to grow a follicle that will become an egg to be released. We were not pushed in one direction or another, because he said that we should do what feels right for our situation. However, at that point the seed was already planted that maybe we were pushing this thing just too fast and putting more strain on my body than needed....After all, that would be 3 back to back IVF cycles with some form of constant medication pumping through me. Not only that but we had been on some form of a medicated cycle since last year in May.
Fast forward to this week when I called my IVF nurse so that we could get things arranged for our next cycle and start bcp's again. She asked about our plans and then suggested (very politely might I add) that it might be a good idea to give my body a rest. As much as I feel like it's totally not my personality to let up on the pressure, I need to start listening to all the people in my life that have more information than I do.
After talking it through with Brad yesterday, we decided to wait until the April cycle. I realize that it is only a month longer and that some people may be rolling their eyes at "the big decision" this was, but hey...this was a big deal for us (more so for me with my type A, OCD personality).
So there it is. We are going to hopefully be going through with another cycle in April. And you know what? I'm totally at peace and happy with that decision. :)
Friday, January 27, 2012
What A Roller Coaster
This past month has been all over the place. I didn't update at all through this last IVF cycle and now that it's over and I have begun to heal, I can tell our story.
Just to recap; in our first IVF attempt our egg transfer got cancelled because of my elevated progesterone the last couple of days of stims (which messes with the uterine lining). We had our retrieval but they did not get as many eggs as they hoped and those that they got were immature. Long story short, they only made it to day 2 and died. It sucked.
This cycle started out with my progesterone being a tad bit higher than they like to see it on the day I started stims. It brought back all the feelings from our last failed cycle. The doctor wanted to continue with stims because it was still not as high as it got last cycle. Deep down I had a feeling that it would all fall apart again.
I was right. We ended up getting cancelled last Friday. My progesterone seemed to rise a little at each monitoring appt last week, so I had pretty much been grieving and coming to terms with everything by the time it was over on Friday. It still hurt A LOT, but we decided not to even try the retrieval because both of us and the doctor felt that there was a possibility that the egg quality would be similar to last time.
So much of this journey has been so unfair. Everytime we thought we had things figured out or had new hope in a procedure, we were smacked back into place. When we started IVF back in October I had no idea that we would go through 2 half cycles and get cancelled both times....not even getting a real shot at getting pregnant. Heartbreaking is the word that comes to mind.
You start to question all the decisions you've made about treatment and start panicking that you are getting closer to a truth you cannot accept. A biological child may not be within our grasp.
For now, I am working on healing myself and trying to be as relaxed as possible about our potential upcoming March IVF attempt. Our doctor will be putting me on an antagonist protocol and I will be in accupuncture throughout the cycle.
I am on a path to concentrate on my well being so that I when the time comes I can be as strong as possible to deal with whatever this journey will bring us next. Hopefully, I can get there. I'll never know unless I try and give it my all.
Just to recap; in our first IVF attempt our egg transfer got cancelled because of my elevated progesterone the last couple of days of stims (which messes with the uterine lining). We had our retrieval but they did not get as many eggs as they hoped and those that they got were immature. Long story short, they only made it to day 2 and died. It sucked.
This cycle started out with my progesterone being a tad bit higher than they like to see it on the day I started stims. It brought back all the feelings from our last failed cycle. The doctor wanted to continue with stims because it was still not as high as it got last cycle. Deep down I had a feeling that it would all fall apart again.
I was right. We ended up getting cancelled last Friday. My progesterone seemed to rise a little at each monitoring appt last week, so I had pretty much been grieving and coming to terms with everything by the time it was over on Friday. It still hurt A LOT, but we decided not to even try the retrieval because both of us and the doctor felt that there was a possibility that the egg quality would be similar to last time.
So much of this journey has been so unfair. Everytime we thought we had things figured out or had new hope in a procedure, we were smacked back into place. When we started IVF back in October I had no idea that we would go through 2 half cycles and get cancelled both times....not even getting a real shot at getting pregnant. Heartbreaking is the word that comes to mind.
You start to question all the decisions you've made about treatment and start panicking that you are getting closer to a truth you cannot accept. A biological child may not be within our grasp.
For now, I am working on healing myself and trying to be as relaxed as possible about our potential upcoming March IVF attempt. Our doctor will be putting me on an antagonist protocol and I will be in accupuncture throughout the cycle.
I am on a path to concentrate on my well being so that I when the time comes I can be as strong as possible to deal with whatever this journey will bring us next. Hopefully, I can get there. I'll never know unless I try and give it my all.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
A Long Time Coming
It has been almost a month since my last post (which doesn't really count since it was 3 words) and I have no explanation as to why I am not posting these days.
For a while I felt like I just was not motivated to post, didn't feel up to it, and just didn't want to talk (type) about it anymore than I had to. It seemed that my whole life was constantly consumed by infertlity and I was becoming very tired, both emotionally and physically. While I can't say that it has really changed all that much, I can say that I am becoming a stronger person and making some changes in my life.
I have new hope that I can get back to being my normal, happy self. I am in no means giving up on our journey to conceive a child, but I do need to take a gigantic step back and analyze all the pieces in my life to determine how to be "me" again. Trying to explain the way I feel is difficult, but it can be summed up in that I feel like I have lost myself with only a shell remaining. Everyday hurts more than the last. Our dreams seem to be fading quickly and the harder I work and scramble to pick up the pieces and achieve success, the further away it becomes. Quite frankly, it's one viscious circle.
Now, I was pretty sceptical about acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine to begin with and tried it because I kind of felt like I was running out of options. My IVF nurse and my doctor both recommended it, so I made an appointment.
This week, I was able to find the smallest glimmer of hope and light to help guide me into a happier existance. I started acupuncture on Tuesday evening and I already feel as if it has begun to change my life. I'm not trying to be overdramatic here, and believe me, I don't think its some magical treatment, but I do think that I finally hit a wall in where I needed to choose either to continue to be someone I was not, or to become happy again.
The entire appointment was a little over 1.5hrs with a 45 min consult to begin things. My acupuncturist is one of Chicago's best and I could tell after the first few minutes that he just "gets" it. When asking me questions he seemed to already know the answer and understand what my body is doing...or rather what I am doing to my body. He was extremely encouraging in that he has hundreds of patients that have very similar stories to mine. While there are no guaranties that I will become pregnant (which he is quite encouraging about), he is helping me to see that I can help myself to become a more healthy, balanced, and happy person.
He gave me some new and very restricting diet recommendations. I say very restricting because one of the things I have to get rid of is dairy....My favorite food is cheese. Not to mention I love milk. I have committed to myself that I will follow his guidelines since I should have been eating better than I have been to begin with. Thankfully, I can "have fun" as he puts it, 20% of the time.
In addition to my new diet, he recommended some books to read: "The Fertile Soul" and "Making Babies 2009." I started reading The Fertile Soul last night and have been so moved. I continued reading it today on my lunch because I just can't get enough. I feel like this book is hopefully going to help me figure things out and become a happier person. Of course I also hope that it brings me closer to a child, but I realize that I can't be so focused on that all the time. If I don't start making time for myself to heal, I'll never get any closer to reaching my goal.
In the coming days I do plan to post an update about all of the other things that have been going on this month, but for now I need to wrap things up.
For a while I felt like I just was not motivated to post, didn't feel up to it, and just didn't want to talk (type) about it anymore than I had to. It seemed that my whole life was constantly consumed by infertlity and I was becoming very tired, both emotionally and physically. While I can't say that it has really changed all that much, I can say that I am becoming a stronger person and making some changes in my life.
I have new hope that I can get back to being my normal, happy self. I am in no means giving up on our journey to conceive a child, but I do need to take a gigantic step back and analyze all the pieces in my life to determine how to be "me" again. Trying to explain the way I feel is difficult, but it can be summed up in that I feel like I have lost myself with only a shell remaining. Everyday hurts more than the last. Our dreams seem to be fading quickly and the harder I work and scramble to pick up the pieces and achieve success, the further away it becomes. Quite frankly, it's one viscious circle.
Now, I was pretty sceptical about acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine to begin with and tried it because I kind of felt like I was running out of options. My IVF nurse and my doctor both recommended it, so I made an appointment.
This week, I was able to find the smallest glimmer of hope and light to help guide me into a happier existance. I started acupuncture on Tuesday evening and I already feel as if it has begun to change my life. I'm not trying to be overdramatic here, and believe me, I don't think its some magical treatment, but I do think that I finally hit a wall in where I needed to choose either to continue to be someone I was not, or to become happy again.
The entire appointment was a little over 1.5hrs with a 45 min consult to begin things. My acupuncturist is one of Chicago's best and I could tell after the first few minutes that he just "gets" it. When asking me questions he seemed to already know the answer and understand what my body is doing...or rather what I am doing to my body. He was extremely encouraging in that he has hundreds of patients that have very similar stories to mine. While there are no guaranties that I will become pregnant (which he is quite encouraging about), he is helping me to see that I can help myself to become a more healthy, balanced, and happy person.
He gave me some new and very restricting diet recommendations. I say very restricting because one of the things I have to get rid of is dairy....My favorite food is cheese. Not to mention I love milk. I have committed to myself that I will follow his guidelines since I should have been eating better than I have been to begin with. Thankfully, I can "have fun" as he puts it, 20% of the time.
In addition to my new diet, he recommended some books to read: "The Fertile Soul" and "Making Babies 2009." I started reading The Fertile Soul last night and have been so moved. I continued reading it today on my lunch because I just can't get enough. I feel like this book is hopefully going to help me figure things out and become a happier person. Of course I also hope that it brings me closer to a child, but I realize that I can't be so focused on that all the time. If I don't start making time for myself to heal, I'll never get any closer to reaching my goal.
In the coming days I do plan to post an update about all of the other things that have been going on this month, but for now I need to wrap things up.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
It's Officially The Christmas Season :)
I have come to the decision that I am going to make the most of the holidays this year. A few weeks ago, when I was down and out I definitely felt different...but I am happy my attitude has turned around.
There is something about Christmas that has always put a smile on my face. I love the shopping, the music, the decorating, and (yes) even the snow! It makes me feel very thankful for all that I have, which in turns lifts my mood in general.
Don't get me wrong...yes it still hurts that I still don't have a child (or am carrying one) to share this wonderful holiday with but I have soooo many other wonderful people and blessings in my life.
I spent most of the day on Friday decorating the inside and outside of our house and loved every second of it! Here are a few pictures of my work:
This last one is a little blurry , but you get the idea:
There is something about Christmas that has always put a smile on my face. I love the shopping, the music, the decorating, and (yes) even the snow! It makes me feel very thankful for all that I have, which in turns lifts my mood in general.
Don't get me wrong...yes it still hurts that I still don't have a child (or am carrying one) to share this wonderful holiday with but I have soooo many other wonderful people and blessings in my life.
I spent most of the day on Friday decorating the inside and outside of our house and loved every second of it! Here are a few pictures of my work:
Monday, November 21, 2011
I've Been MIA Lately
I'm not exactly sure why, but lately I have not really wanted to update here or on my usual message board. And honestly, today is no different.
I'm kind of just forcing myself to post because I am feeling so crappy about myself that I'm hoping this will help.
Since the last time that I posted, I started seeing a therapist. For the most part, I think it is going to be a very positive experience for me. Some of the issues she has already pointed out to me are definitely fixable and will hopefully get me to a better place with everything in my life. I go back on Wednesday and feel like I definitely could use to go today as well.
Nothing necessarily happened to me today to cause the way I'm feeling, I just can't shake this overwhelming sadness. I have been on the brink of tears all day and could just curl into a bawl and lay in bed forever.
Maybe I'm still not quite over last cycle and losing our little embies, or maybe it's yesterday's baby shower, or maybe it's the co-worker who just had a baby last week, or maybe its the pregnancy announcement from a close friend....the list goes on.
I just wish this nightmare would end and I could finally be rewarded with what I have worked and prayed so hard for. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at this journey as just a memory while I'm holding a baby in my arms.
I'm kind of just forcing myself to post because I am feeling so crappy about myself that I'm hoping this will help.
Since the last time that I posted, I started seeing a therapist. For the most part, I think it is going to be a very positive experience for me. Some of the issues she has already pointed out to me are definitely fixable and will hopefully get me to a better place with everything in my life. I go back on Wednesday and feel like I definitely could use to go today as well.
Nothing necessarily happened to me today to cause the way I'm feeling, I just can't shake this overwhelming sadness. I have been on the brink of tears all day and could just curl into a bawl and lay in bed forever.
Maybe I'm still not quite over last cycle and losing our little embies, or maybe it's yesterday's baby shower, or maybe it's the co-worker who just had a baby last week, or maybe its the pregnancy announcement from a close friend....the list goes on.
I just wish this nightmare would end and I could finally be rewarded with what I have worked and prayed so hard for. Maybe someday I'll be able to look back at this journey as just a memory while I'm holding a baby in my arms.
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