Not that I have any children to dress up and take trick or treating (besides my furbabies). I do however really enjoy handing out candy to all the neigborhood kids on Halloween. Call me a dork, but it is really important to me and I get a lot of enjoyment out of helping to give all those kids a sugar high. :)
I actually forgot it was Halloween today until the nurse at the RE's office told me. So, I guess that takes the sting of it being Monday away somewhat.
My montioring appointment this morning went pretty good. Well, actually I was freaking out a little at first when he told me I only have 9 follicles, most measuring between 10-12. I asked him how many he likes to see and his response was 15. This of course sent me into a downward spiral of panic for a couple of hours this morning.
It's funny how the smallest things can cause such emotional distress. It's probably because every cycle has so much weight attached to it. You put so much work, money and time into getting pregnant that you can't hardly do anything but overanalyze your entire cycle.
Anyways, all my fears were put aside after polling some of the girls on TB that have gone through IVF. Their responses made me feel like I am 100% normal and should feel positive about this cycle....which is exactly how I now feel. This is how most of my days have been recently....a series of up's and down's. To tell you the truth, it's really tiring.
But for now, I am enjoying feeling positive about this cycle. Let's see how long it lasts....
Monday, October 31, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Well That Wasn't Too Bad
Yesterday, I got the green light to start stims after my bloodwork confirmed my progesterone was normal. Yay!!!
I had already re-read through my instructions the night before so that I could be more prepared last night. It certainly didn't help that I had to work for my parents last night and leave the job early to go do my injections. Brad had to stay behind and finish up which was nice of him.
I would say that from start to finish, it took about 20ish minutes. I'm hoping that I get better at this and can do it faster once I get everything down. Twenty minutes for 3 injections just seems like way too much time.
Most everything went off without a hitch except for when I bent the needle on my follistim pen while taking the cap off. It's a good thing they give you a whole bunch of extras for that. :)
The only one that actually caused me any pain was the menopur. I'm not sure if it was because there was more to inject than the others, but it definitely burned and itched. Plus, today my tummy is sore where I did the injects last night...which didn't happen when I was just using lupron.
I hope that the rest of the injects go as smoothly and that my body responds quickly. I can't believe we're actually doing this! I'm so excited!
While this has nothing to do with this post, here is a pic of my girls. It makes me giggle.
I had already re-read through my instructions the night before so that I could be more prepared last night. It certainly didn't help that I had to work for my parents last night and leave the job early to go do my injections. Brad had to stay behind and finish up which was nice of him.
I would say that from start to finish, it took about 20ish minutes. I'm hoping that I get better at this and can do it faster once I get everything down. Twenty minutes for 3 injections just seems like way too much time.
Most everything went off without a hitch except for when I bent the needle on my follistim pen while taking the cap off. It's a good thing they give you a whole bunch of extras for that. :)
The only one that actually caused me any pain was the menopur. I'm not sure if it was because there was more to inject than the others, but it definitely burned and itched. Plus, today my tummy is sore where I did the injects last night...which didn't happen when I was just using lupron.
I hope that the rest of the injects go as smoothly and that my body responds quickly. I can't believe we're actually doing this! I'm so excited!
While this has nothing to do with this post, here is a pic of my girls. It makes me giggle.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Time For Some Inspiration
Lately, I have found myself searching the web for infertility passages. I have been looking for things to bring my hopes up and make me feel comforted. I stumbled upon several quotes that I have seen in the past and realized that they now apply to my situation. Really, they apply to anyone going through inner turmoil or emotional struggles, but that doesn't make me feel less touched by them.
Then today, I came across something different that I just had to share. It comes from another IF board that came up on google in my search. It definitely made me cry (so be warned).
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I will be a wonderful mother, not because of genetics, or money or that I have read books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Then today, I came across something different that I just had to share. It comes from another IF board that came up on google in my search. It definitely made me cry (so be warned).
Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I will be a wonderful mother, not because of genetics, or money or that I have read books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
This Path Has Been Full Of Waiting
And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I feel like all I ever do is wait. There is actually very little action to be taken in comparison to all the waiting that has taken place over the last 18 months.
Wow, how have we already been TTC for 18 months? Where did the time go? Did we wait the last 18 months away? For all the worry, all the frustration and all the heartbreak I still can't believe that we have endured this torture for 18 months.
I am scheduled to start stims next Monday with a montitoring appt that Friday. I just wish we could jump ahead to next Friday. I am so ready to be pregant...mind, body and soul. I want the child that I deserve. After all, we consider procreation a basic human right.....right?
This baby has been wanted so badly (since I was a little girl, really), I just know that no matter what happens, I am ready to be a mom. And I know that Brad feels the same way about being a dad. We were meant to do this and I just wish our dream would finally come true.
Knowing that there are other women out there who know and understand all to well the pain of IF is somewhat comforting. Not that I would ever wish this on anyone (not even my worst enemy), but there is something to be said for belonging to a group of people that are living through the same thing. I don't feel so alone when I am able to log on to The Bump. There is a message board there that I have been frequenting since going to the RE earlier this year. That group of women is the strongest, most compassionate, intelligent group of women I have ever encountered.
So while I wait this cycle I know that I can at least vent my frustrations to women that completely understand where I am coming from.
Wow, how have we already been TTC for 18 months? Where did the time go? Did we wait the last 18 months away? For all the worry, all the frustration and all the heartbreak I still can't believe that we have endured this torture for 18 months.
I am scheduled to start stims next Monday with a montitoring appt that Friday. I just wish we could jump ahead to next Friday. I am so ready to be pregant...mind, body and soul. I want the child that I deserve. After all, we consider procreation a basic human right.....right?
This baby has been wanted so badly (since I was a little girl, really), I just know that no matter what happens, I am ready to be a mom. And I know that Brad feels the same way about being a dad. We were meant to do this and I just wish our dream would finally come true.
Knowing that there are other women out there who know and understand all to well the pain of IF is somewhat comforting. Not that I would ever wish this on anyone (not even my worst enemy), but there is something to be said for belonging to a group of people that are living through the same thing. I don't feel so alone when I am able to log on to The Bump. There is a message board there that I have been frequenting since going to the RE earlier this year. That group of women is the strongest, most compassionate, intelligent group of women I have ever encountered.
So while I wait this cycle I know that I can at least vent my frustrations to women that completely understand where I am coming from.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Day 4 of Lupron...
Today marked the 4th day of lupron injections and I must say that all in all, it's going pretty well. The needle for these injections is much smaller than the one I was using for HCG, so I can't complain there. Plus, it's much easier to inject in your stomach rather than trying to reach your own butt cheek.
I'm sure I looked pretty funny in months past when I was trying to give my self those HCG triggers. Nothing like leaning against a door with your pants down trying remember to relax before you plunge a giant needle into your a$$.
The only negative that I have seen so far with this drug is the mood swings. Holy crap, the mood swings!! I'm pretty sure that the people I work with thought I had turned into a crazy person on Friday. Not only did I (kind of) yell at someone, but I continued to allow myself to get so worked up that I was sweating. Well actually, the sweating could have been a side effect of the lupron also, but for now I'm just thinking it was because I was an emotional mess. If I wasn't feeling ticked off, I was on the verge of tears.
The worst part is knowing that you are acting irrationally and there is nothing you can do about it. I think that's where the frustration and weepiness comes in to play. Honestly, I don't want to be a b!tch. ;)
Later on Friday, I was definitely being a real peach to Brad. Once again, I ended up going off about nothing. I can't even remember what set me off. At least he is trying to be understanding. Let's see how long that last for though. I imagine that he can only take so much until he gets upset with my attitude problem. :)
Tomorrow I go for my suppression check and then I'll go back the following monday for baseline when I will hopefully start stims. I just hope that my body is responding (and will continue to respond) correctly to all the meds.
It would be fantastic to finally reach our goal.
I'm sure I looked pretty funny in months past when I was trying to give my self those HCG triggers. Nothing like leaning against a door with your pants down trying remember to relax before you plunge a giant needle into your a$$.
The only negative that I have seen so far with this drug is the mood swings. Holy crap, the mood swings!! I'm pretty sure that the people I work with thought I had turned into a crazy person on Friday. Not only did I (kind of) yell at someone, but I continued to allow myself to get so worked up that I was sweating. Well actually, the sweating could have been a side effect of the lupron also, but for now I'm just thinking it was because I was an emotional mess. If I wasn't feeling ticked off, I was on the verge of tears.
The worst part is knowing that you are acting irrationally and there is nothing you can do about it. I think that's where the frustration and weepiness comes in to play. Honestly, I don't want to be a b!tch. ;)
Later on Friday, I was definitely being a real peach to Brad. Once again, I ended up going off about nothing. I can't even remember what set me off. At least he is trying to be understanding. Let's see how long that last for though. I imagine that he can only take so much until he gets upset with my attitude problem. :)
Tomorrow I go for my suppression check and then I'll go back the following monday for baseline when I will hopefully start stims. I just hope that my body is responding (and will continue to respond) correctly to all the meds.
It would be fantastic to finally reach our goal.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Injection Training
Today Brad and I had our injection training and IVF paperwork marathon. It was about 2 hours long (which is what we were told) and at times felt somewhat daunting.
As the IVF coordinator was going over all of our meds, I started to feel a little overwhelmed. So many different types of needles and medications to mix. Thankfully, she had incredibly easy to follow instructions. Plus me being the control freak and type A that I am, I'm sure I can handle this.
She also went over possible side effects from each of the meds. She said the follistim and menopur will probably start really making a difference in my waistline around Halloween. Her wording was something like, "see those cute jeans you have on today? Yeah, those won't probably fit you around that time."
I was definitely expecting to be bloated/swell but I guess I didn't really realize that some of my clothes may not fit altogether. Maybe it will be my excuse to wear more comfy clothes and not feel bad about it. I'll just tell people that I indulged in way too much Halloween candy I guess. :)
As we are getting closer, I am definitely getting more excited. Even after all the overwhelming information that was thrown at us today, I can't help but have hope that this could finally be it for us!
As the IVF coordinator was going over all of our meds, I started to feel a little overwhelmed. So many different types of needles and medications to mix. Thankfully, she had incredibly easy to follow instructions. Plus me being the control freak and type A that I am, I'm sure I can handle this.
She also went over possible side effects from each of the meds. She said the follistim and menopur will probably start really making a difference in my waistline around Halloween. Her wording was something like, "see those cute jeans you have on today? Yeah, those won't probably fit you around that time."
I was definitely expecting to be bloated/swell but I guess I didn't really realize that some of my clothes may not fit altogether. Maybe it will be my excuse to wear more comfy clothes and not feel bad about it. I'll just tell people that I indulged in way too much Halloween candy I guess. :)
As we are getting closer, I am definitely getting more excited. Even after all the overwhelming information that was thrown at us today, I can't help but have hope that this could finally be it for us!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Another one???
I cannot begin to tell you how sick and tired I am of hearing about another friend or family member getting KU. Everytime a new announcement is made, it sends me into a tailspin. Today was yet another friend on facebook that is pregnant....it's been almost a month since I had to deal with an announcement, so I was definitely due.
I feel as if every single one of our friends and family are going to get to experience being parents and we won't. As common as IF is supposed to be, then why are there SO many freaking people that have no problem whatsoever conceiving?
All the feelings that I go through when I first get the news--usually first it's a punch to the gut (gasping for air) feeling. It then moves to an incredible sadness that I may never get to expierence pregnancy or my own biological child. Once that feeling has been festering for a while, it inevitably turns to jealousy and anger.
Most of all, I hate that I feel like this in general. Why can't I just put aside my feelings and be happy for my friends and family? IF has invaded my entire life and there is no getting away from it.
I can't bring myself to go to the 2 baby showers I just got invited to. A good friend just had her little girl yesterday and I'm not sure if I will be able to truly happy for them to come visit the baby. I mean, WTF is wrong with me???
I feel as if every single one of our friends and family are going to get to experience being parents and we won't. As common as IF is supposed to be, then why are there SO many freaking people that have no problem whatsoever conceiving?
All the feelings that I go through when I first get the news--usually first it's a punch to the gut (gasping for air) feeling. It then moves to an incredible sadness that I may never get to expierence pregnancy or my own biological child. Once that feeling has been festering for a while, it inevitably turns to jealousy and anger.
Most of all, I hate that I feel like this in general. Why can't I just put aside my feelings and be happy for my friends and family? IF has invaded my entire life and there is no getting away from it.
I can't bring myself to go to the 2 baby showers I just got invited to. A good friend just had her little girl yesterday and I'm not sure if I will be able to truly happy for them to come visit the baby. I mean, WTF is wrong with me???
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