It is pushing 100 degrees today and I absolutely love it. Don't get me wrong, I am inside basking in the a/c and looking out the window, not actually out in the heat. But, just the fact that the sun is shining, I don't need an umbrella or a coat, and shorts are on the agenda as soon as I get home from work brings a smile to my face. I'm going to try to remember how much I abosolutely hate winter and the cold weather all summer long. :)
More good news: it's a short week at work for me! I took this Thursday and Friday off, so tomorrow is my last day for the week....woo-hoo!!! :)
On a not so good note, I'm almost positive that this cycle was a bust. My temp has been plumetting, I'm still getting bfn's (negative pregnancy tests), and I'm spotting. So much for having a chart that looked fantastic this cycle. Aparently that doesn't mean anything at all. There was one morning at the end of last week that I had convinced myself that I must be pregnant because of how very different my chart looked this month. Of course, that makes this even worse.
The plan for next cycle is to start IUI (insemination). My only concern for that is the fact that on what I think will be day 17 of my cycle, we leave for vacation. If my body doesn't develop mature eggs fast enough this cycle, then we won't be able to do the IUI since I have to physically go to the Dr.'s office so they can shoot Brad's boys where they need to go(sorry for the crude interpretation).
If we don't get to do IUI, I'm going to be seriously upset. I'm just so very sick of not getting pregnant. I know I've said this several times before, but I never imagined how frustrating, heart-breaking and devasting IF could be all at once. It's the most important thing in my life right now and I just wish that my broken body would cooperate. I mean; how did this happen to me anyway??? My family is a bunch of fertile-myrtle's. Both my younger brother and sister had oops' (my brother only once, but my sister twice).
My mom even warned me in college that conceiving is genetically easy in our family. I guess it was her way of saying, "be careful and make sure you're taking the pill consistantly."
Recently, Brad and I have been talking about telling his parents what we are going through. At first we did not want to tell them because we didn't want anymore questions than necessary and we were concerned his mom would tell other people. After really talking this through with him though, we both feel that his mom would probably realize that this is an extrememly personal life event and would hopefully use discretion in not telling people. Not only that, but we feel that they may be hurt if we continue to wait to tell them (Especially since my parents know).
Plus, last week when Brad's cousin got KU, his mom seemed so sad...almost similar to the way that I felt in finding out-like it should have been Brad and I with that news.
So, the next time we see them, we agreed to tell them both about our treatment plan and just hope they will be supportive and respectful of our privacy.
I wonder if someday when I hopefully do get pregnant, if all this pain will wash away or if I will continue to carry the loss with me? For so long now, all I've wanted is a baby....a happy, healthy child that Brad and I created....a perfect combination of the two of us that would be so loved and so very well taken care of to help make our family complete.
Please God, give me the chance to be the mommy I know I can be, please.
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