I Already Feel Blessed

Well, we had our transfer today.  Just the fact that we have gotten to this point makes me feel so very thankful.  After so many cycles of bad news and dissapointment, it's really hard to grasp that all these positive things have happened this cycle..

We have changed so many things since our last IVF attempt in January.  I startred acupuncture more than 3 months ago, we started eating so much better, I got serious about working out (Brad was already doing that), and most importantly we (mostly me) got to a better mental and emotional place with this whole journey.  Back in January, I was losing myself and feeling more and more unhappy with everyday life....It was definitely time for a change.

Being able to see that there is so much more to life than the plan we have for ourselves and learning to be happy with what we have and find happiness in each day has been something that has given me peace. 

While I sometimes still feel that the rug is going to be pulled out from under my feet, I try to remember to focus on the fact that there are certain things that I cannot change.  I will do my best everyday to get to my goal and be happy with where I am in my life right now.

And now for an update:  We got the call on Sunday that out of the 14 eggs they retreived, 11 were mature and 10 fertilized normally.  Yay!  At that point we also decided that a 3 day transfer would probably be best for our situation based on previous cycles and the fact that our embryos from our first IVF weren't very good quality.

Fast forward to our transfer today.  When we got there were were informed that the 2 embryos they were transfering were 8cells/grade4....the best rating possible!!!!  And to top that off, the embryologist mentioned that he had a hard time picking the 2 best because all of our embyros were such great quality.  He also mentioned that he was hoping to have 6 embies to freeze by day 5 (which is Thursday).  What!?!?!?!?  How is that possible....if felt surreal to hear that news.  He handed me the pictures of our embryos (and they are gorgeous might I just add) and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.  Everyone cleared out of the room and Brad and I got to take a minute to ourselves.

Here they are: (I've decided the one of the top is a girl and the one on the bottom is a boy- :)

Whatever the outcome of this cycle, I feel so incredibly blessed to have made it this far with so many hurdles overcome.  We put the pictures of our "kids" on the refrigerator when we got home and I can't help but get a huge grin on my face everytime I walk past them.  Here we are: we actually have a chance this cycle to become parents and I am on cloud 9 just for this opportunity!  :)   

Last but not least, here's a pic before the transfer.  Brad actually had to wear a haz-mat looking (white) suit that he didn't have all the way on in this pic.  Not the best pic, but a memorable one, for sure! 

What a Whirlwind!

Since I last updated let me just say that I spoke too soon about feeling fantastic....I started feeling crappy the very next day. Nothing too terrible, but some hot flashes, cramping, extreme fatigue, bloating (yes I actually had to unbutton my pants during the day at work-classy I know), and mood swings were my main symptoms. Although, it was nothing I couldn't handle and really wasn't all that bad, just annoying more than anything.

Anyways, we got the go-ahead on Thursday for retrieval on Saturday. Can you believe it...my progesterone never caused us any concern this cycle? It's funny how things work out. :).

We thought we would get about 10 eggs going into the procedure but were ecstatic to find out that they got 14 eggs....yay!!!!

Then came the interesting part: the recovery. I kept feeling worse as time went on (even when they were trying to give me motion sickness meds). It just wasn't working and after an hour in recovery my heart rate dropped into the 40's, the doctor decided to call an ambulance so that I could get monitored at the hospital. Brad and I looked at each other like "really, I can't believe this is happening."  We both just wanted to go home.

The funny part is that my 16 year old brother was already at the hospital from getting his gall bladder removed yesterday. My mom was actually there at the time too so she just had to come downstairs to visit me in the ER.

Of course, once I was at the hospital I started getting better and better. After I was there for about an hour and a half, I was ready to leave but we had to wait 4 hours to get discharged....Ugh am I glad to be home tonight. :)

After all the days events I can finally relax and just be very thankful for the fact that we got such a good quantity of eggs today. In the meantime I'm going to really try not to focus on what lies ahead in the next few days and all the possibilities for things to still go wrong. For now, I am just plain happy!

Oh, and something really important I want to add to this post. First of all, all of my close friends that know about this cycle have been absolutely amazing and supportive!...so thank you all for that. Secondly, when we got home today, brad brought the mail inside and handed me a card from a friend that is going through this infertility hell too. I am so touched by her kindness, it brings tears to my eyes. You know who you are - and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me feel so special!!!

7 days of Stims...And Some Inspiration

After 7 days of stims I have to say, I actually feel pretty darn good!  Don't get me wrong, I've had a few moments of mood swing hell here and there and I'm definitely feeling pretty tired, but overall I feel good. :)

Eating well, exercising often, acupuncture, and a postive attitude are really helping me to get through this with a smile on my face.  I'm so thankful that I gave myself the time I needed to get in a good place before starting this cycle. 

It's amazing how sometimes taking a step back and re-evaluating your goals (sometimes with the help of professionals) can really get you to a good place.  Don't get me wrong, there will still probably be some low times ahead for me in the next few weeks.  I just feel like I am more prepared to deal with whatever gets thrown my direction.  Yeah, bad news will suck and its still going to hurt like hell.  But, I WILL get through this and I WILL be a better person on the other side of this battle. 

I read a quote a few months ago that I have held on to and it's kind of become my motto:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."  I feel like I have tapped into a well of emotional strength lately that is allowing me to see that I CAN get through this....It may not be what I envisioned, but there is so much more to life than what we originally planned for ourselves.

Some other quotes I've read/pinned on pinterest that I read when I need some inspiration:

"I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."
"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason you held on for so long."
"Don't allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not."
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things."


On a side note, we are being very fague with our families and friends this time around concerning details about our next cycle and when we are going through procedures.  I mean, our immediate families and close friends know the dates; but as for everyone else, we are just telling them we are getting ready for another cycle soon.  Whatever the outcome for this cycle, I really don't want people bothering me right when we find out.  Brad and I are going to need time to ourselves at first without having to explain the details to the extended family and friends that aren't in our close-knit circle.

I Did It!

I officially came out on Facebook last night for National Infertility Awareness Week. I plan on posting at least a few more times before the week is over....and I can't wait! So far the support has been wonderful. Besides the positive comments and "likes" I got, an old friend that just had a baby messaged me to tell me that she struggled with infertility for 3 years before success. It's so nice when people reach out like that and help you feel just a little bit less alone.

Later this week I am attending a NIAW seminar (and hoping to convince Brad to come with me). I'm hopeful that it will give me the necessary tools to better deal with our upcoming IVF cycle. Every little bit helps, right?

On a side note, I would like to share this video that I found on you tube. It really resonated with me and the way that I feel...not to mention made me cry.

"No one told me about infertility"

Well This is Going to be Interesting...

As you know our next IVF cycle begins on April 30th.  Of course, wanting to know ahead of time which dates I'll be out of commission for social activities and possibly work, I counted out the days to when my retreival and transfer would take place.  Low and behold, my procedures are going to be taking place either on or just around Mother's Day...fabulous.

I'm not really sure how the heck I am going to manage on THAT day again this year.  Last year, Mother's Day was absolutely terrible for me.  That was the beginning of our treatment and I was such a wreck on any other day, let alone Mother's Day.  When I ran out to get flowers for our moms in the morning and returned home, Brad asked me a simple question and I got upset and started yelling/crying at him.  I should have known then that the entire day was going to be horrific.

Our families did not know about our struggles yet.  Well, I take that back.  Actually my mom knew that we had seen the doctor and I ended up in tears, sobbing that day telling her that we were beginning clomid.  She was supportive but I felt terrible for acting like that and taking the attention away from her. 

Then we got to Brad's parent's house and since the mom's did not want to cook for everyone they asked that it be taken care of...  Well, the guys wouldn't do it, so I ended up in their kitchen by myself preparing all the food while the all the other women (who were moms) sat and chatted at the kitchen table.  To their defense, none of them knew that we were struggling.  We didn't even tell Brad's parents until a few months later.  It took everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, for me to hold it together that day.  It was as if I was being punished and was an outcast because I was not a mom.  

I know that I will have a more than ever blaring reminder this year that I am not yet a mother- more so than just attending the festivities  and seeing all the other moms being celebrated while I sit in the corner and try to hold it together.  No- I will be bloated, bruised, very uncomfortable, and more hormonal than usual when all this takes place.  It's bad enough that every celebration we go to (whether it be a child's birthday party, holiday gathering, or shower) already reminds me of what is missing in our lives.  I'm thinking it will probably be too overwhelming to handle.  I can just see making a fool of myself while I sob hysterically and take the attention off of the women that are being celebrated....very classy!

Plus I don't want to offend anyone, especially mine or Brad's mom by not attending the gatherings on Mother's Day.  I mean, isn't that being selfish?  I know they would fix this for us in a heartbeat if they could.  No one is rooting for us more....So by not going on May 13th am I saying that I can't put my own baggage aside for a moment to celebrate the women that brought us into the world? 

Bottom line is that I just don't know how I'm going to be feeling that day.  It's possible that I will be (emotionally) okay that day and can focus on having a nice time with family.

If my retreival happens to be scheduled on Mother's Day then I have nothing to worry about.  Physically, I won't be able to make it.  Last time the anesthia had me sleeping well into the late afternoon.  I guess that would probably be the best & easiest outcome I could hope for in this situation.

Feeling Good

So, since I last updated, I have been a busy girl.  First things first, my nurse had me come in last week for bloodwork to determine if I could just go straight on the pill (they wanted to see if I had ovulated yet).  Turned out that my progesterone was elevated, indicating that I may have ovulated.  At that point, she told me that if I didn't get my period by the 11th (yesterday), that we would have to wait until the June IVF cycle.  Ugh, that was defeating to hear, especially since I wasn't exactly sure when I ovulated. 

No worries though, my body finally came to the rescue and did something right.  I got my period on Tuesday!  Yay!!! 

So I called the nurse and told her so she could get me scheduled for my med's inventory appointment.  It was at that time that I also found out that stims will be starting a week earlier than I originally thought.  April 30th is the day!  So basically, I am only going to be on the pill for 2 weeks.  Plus, since we are doing an antagonist protocol, I don't have to start any injections until April 25th.  Another awesome truimph...the less bruises in my stomach, the better!  :)

On a side note, I have been doing so well with working out and eating right!  I'm starting to notice a difference in the way I look.  Granted, I've only lost 3 pounds in the last 2 months, I seem to be wearing my weight differently.  I have been consistently sticking to working out 4 times a week and it is really  making me a happy girl! 

Last Saturday I got a fantastic workout when we helped my parents all day at their summer home.  They own a cottage on the Kankakee river that is kind of dilapidated and got water in it a few years ago when the river got out of bank.  They decided last summer to demolish the house and build another one (only raised higher).  They had to have some huge oak tress cut down by a logging company and then they wanted our help to cut up all the wood.  Oh. my. gosh.  it was such an all-body workout! 

This was one of the stumps.  We had to cut up 3 trees this size....oh and you can see my dad in the background. 

 Most of the logs that we cut up were put into this pile for future firewood

This last pile were all the really large logs that will be cut later.

My dad and brother were there when the loggers cut down one of the trees that had to fall on the house because of the lot restrictions by the river.  This is the video:

24

24 is the number of months we have now been trying to conceive. It's not a good feeling that's for sure.... I should be celebrating a child's birthday, a pregnancy, or some other positive milestone in adding to our family. I wonder if I will be writing another one of these posts in 12 months? I can think of nothing better than looking back at this journey 12 months from now, on the other side of infertility. We shall see.

On a separate note, I am now on day 21 of my cycle and I'm not really sure when I will be ovulating since I still haven't. FML. What in the hell is happening to my body and why can't it get back to normal?

Anyways, last cycle it didn't really matter when I O'd but this cycle is different because I will need to be back on bcp's for our May IVF cycle. Brad and I talked on Saturday and decided that I should call the doctor and have them get my period started so we won't be pushing IVF yet another month.

We have pushed it back for 2 months at the advice of both my acupuncturist and my IVF nurse so that my body could get back to normal but I really don't think I want to push it off for another month. Hopefully the nurse is in agreement and they can have me take a progesterone shot after my b/w comes back showing no ovulation yet.

Ugh, could something please just go right?