I was at the RE's office twice today. Once this morning for our final IUI and again in the afternoon for our IVF consult (Brad attended the consult as well).
To sum up our appointment, I would say that I am generally pleased with the direction of treatment we will be taking. The doctor agreed that IVF would be the best next treatment procedure. I got to go over all my questions and then he went over the general timeline we would be following.
Basically, I would go back on bcp's for almost a full cycle (if this IUI was unsuccessful). Then on October 19th, I would begin stims. It is still hard for me to accept the wasted cycle we must endure while being on bcp, but our chances at conception are so much higher than what we are doing currently.
The Dr told me that their clinic has roughly a 40% success rate for IVF cycles--this brought a huge smile to my face. I finally feel like we are getting closer to achieving our goal. It is such realistic optimism that cannot be denied and I am overjoyed at the prospect of this new treatment.
Two weeks from today I will have a definitive answer as to whether we will have to pursue IVF. This is going to be the longest 2ww yet.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Please let this hail mary work...
I'm not feeling too great about this cycle for a lot of different reasons but I am also feeling desperate about this last IUI working. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 the procedure will be performed and I will either become pregnant or not. If the past serves as any indication of the outcome, it will not work. My heart is breaking and I can't even imagine what it would be like to finally see a true positive test.
I'm so used to the dissapointment that I can't wrap my head around the idea that this time will be any different. When will it be my turn? Don't I deserve to be a mommy? Doesn't Brad deserve to be a daddy? Why???
It's really hard not to become a bitter, hateful person sometimes and I just wish I could push all these feelings away and just be normal. IF has been such a roller coaster of emotions and I am so ready to get off. I'm so sick of feeling hopeful one day, and then the next day feeling hopeless. And to top it all off; I don't think many people really understand all the pain that IF causes. It's just viewed as "oh, you're having trouble having a baby. Well, you can go to the doctor and they can help you have a baby." It's not that f-ing simple. There is so much more to this than the medication, the monitoring appointments, and the testing. I hate feeling like no one understands, but that is where I am today (tomorrow will probably bring differnt feelings). That being said, I am nowhere near my breaking point and will continue to push forward with the next treatment step. After all, bringing a new life into this world is why we are going through all of this(and I know it will be worth it if we achieve that goal).
Today just happens to be one of my bad days and I needed to get it out. I feel like I could go on forever about the way that I feel, the way that Brad feels, and all the questions I have. This has definitely been a journey in which a lot of soul searching has taken place and relationship tests have been thrown at us....One positive is that my relationship with my husband has become stronger than ever before and brought about a change in my perception of him. How could I have ever gotten through this without Brad as my partner? I am beyond appreciative for the gift I have in Brad. I just wish he didn't have to be going through all of this too. No one should ever have to feel like this...
IF f*cking sucks.
I'm so used to the dissapointment that I can't wrap my head around the idea that this time will be any different. When will it be my turn? Don't I deserve to be a mommy? Doesn't Brad deserve to be a daddy? Why???
It's really hard not to become a bitter, hateful person sometimes and I just wish I could push all these feelings away and just be normal. IF has been such a roller coaster of emotions and I am so ready to get off. I'm so sick of feeling hopeful one day, and then the next day feeling hopeless. And to top it all off; I don't think many people really understand all the pain that IF causes. It's just viewed as "oh, you're having trouble having a baby. Well, you can go to the doctor and they can help you have a baby." It's not that f-ing simple. There is so much more to this than the medication, the monitoring appointments, and the testing. I hate feeling like no one understands, but that is where I am today (tomorrow will probably bring differnt feelings). That being said, I am nowhere near my breaking point and will continue to push forward with the next treatment step. After all, bringing a new life into this world is why we are going through all of this(and I know it will be worth it if we achieve that goal).
Today just happens to be one of my bad days and I needed to get it out. I feel like I could go on forever about the way that I feel, the way that Brad feels, and all the questions I have. This has definitely been a journey in which a lot of soul searching has taken place and relationship tests have been thrown at us....One positive is that my relationship with my husband has become stronger than ever before and brought about a change in my perception of him. How could I have ever gotten through this without Brad as my partner? I am beyond appreciative for the gift I have in Brad. I just wish he didn't have to be going through all of this too. No one should ever have to feel like this...
IF f*cking sucks.
Friday, August 26, 2011
IUI #3 scheduled!
Ok folks, we are heading to our 3rd attempt at IUI on Monday morning. My monitoring appt this morning showed 1 mature follicle measuring at 22mm. Dr told me to trigger tomorrow night and head in Monday morning for the IUI.
While my RE's office is normally closed on the weekends, they will come in for IUI or IVF patients needing procedures but something tells me they try to avoid that at all costs. When I came out of the ultrasound room I heard the nurses saying that no one was really available for the weekend to do my IUI. So, I guess the doctor just pushed it to Monday instead of Sunday. It kind of makes me nervous waiting until Monday for the IUI with a 22mm follie....although I'm not a doctor so I guess I just have to trust their judgement.
In a way, I have already written this cycle off and am looking forward to the next cycle (which will hopefully be IVF-once we have our consult). Turns out I will be at the RE twice on Monday. Once at 9:30 for the IUI and then Brad and I have our consult at 3:45....my boss isn't going to be too happy but he'll get over it.
Oh yeah, and giving myself the trigger shot on Saturday night should be really interesting. I am supposed to be going out for girls night at 7 and will be 45 mins from home most of the night. Since I am supposed to trigger @ 9, I had to come up with an alternative plan. Looks like I will be leaving dinner with a good friend to go to her sister's house and do the injection. Thankfully she only lives 5-10 mins from the restaurant. I know her sister (not very well though) and have talked to her about her IF struggles (she conceived with IVF) but I still think it's going to be kind of weird to show up at her house so I can inject myself. It was either this option or scarf my dinner and leave early to go home.
Not quite sure what I am going to tell the girls I'm going out with....Two of them are KU and I don't know if I want to go into our IF struggles with them there(although I think they already have an idea that we are struggling). I'm sure they will all want to know why I need to leave. Maybe I can come up with a good excuse between now and then, but most likely I will just tell the truth....ugh! It's definitely not an ideal situation, that's for sure!
While my RE's office is normally closed on the weekends, they will come in for IUI or IVF patients needing procedures but something tells me they try to avoid that at all costs. When I came out of the ultrasound room I heard the nurses saying that no one was really available for the weekend to do my IUI. So, I guess the doctor just pushed it to Monday instead of Sunday. It kind of makes me nervous waiting until Monday for the IUI with a 22mm follie....although I'm not a doctor so I guess I just have to trust their judgement.
In a way, I have already written this cycle off and am looking forward to the next cycle (which will hopefully be IVF-once we have our consult). Turns out I will be at the RE twice on Monday. Once at 9:30 for the IUI and then Brad and I have our consult at 3:45....my boss isn't going to be too happy but he'll get over it.
Oh yeah, and giving myself the trigger shot on Saturday night should be really interesting. I am supposed to be going out for girls night at 7 and will be 45 mins from home most of the night. Since I am supposed to trigger @ 9, I had to come up with an alternative plan. Looks like I will be leaving dinner with a good friend to go to her sister's house and do the injection. Thankfully she only lives 5-10 mins from the restaurant. I know her sister (not very well though) and have talked to her about her IF struggles (she conceived with IVF) but I still think it's going to be kind of weird to show up at her house so I can inject myself. It was either this option or scarf my dinner and leave early to go home.
Not quite sure what I am going to tell the girls I'm going out with....Two of them are KU and I don't know if I want to go into our IF struggles with them there(although I think they already have an idea that we are struggling). I'm sure they will all want to know why I need to leave. Maybe I can come up with a good excuse between now and then, but most likely I will just tell the truth....ugh! It's definitely not an ideal situation, that's for sure!
Friday, August 19, 2011
TGIF!
Yay for Friday! Even though this week hasn't been stressful, it's still nice to look forward to the weekend.
Lately, I have been building up my endurance when I run and have been doing over 4 miles all week. My goal tomorrow morning is between 5-6 miles! :) The most I have ever run previous to that is the 8k (5 mile) run for Easter Seals in May. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with this! Plus, it has truly been like therapy for me. I feel SOOO much better during and after a run. Something about the whole thing gives me peace that I can't seem to find without it.
I am hoping to do a few races this fall and am looking into doing a 10k (6 miles). Although, I won't be signing up for these races until they get closer and I know if I'm KU which makes training difficult. Plus, if we do end up moving to IVF soon, they may place restrictions on how much I run. :(
Speaking of IVF, Brad and I have a consult on the 29th to talk about our next cycle and what we will do differently. We have talked at length and are 100% ready to move to IVF. So, that is what we will request and hopefully the doctor agrees. I am kind of getting excited to move to a more aggressive plan and am really hopeful to have success.
Lately, I have been building up my endurance when I run and have been doing over 4 miles all week. My goal tomorrow morning is between 5-6 miles! :) The most I have ever run previous to that is the 8k (5 mile) run for Easter Seals in May. I'm so proud of myself for sticking with this! Plus, it has truly been like therapy for me. I feel SOOO much better during and after a run. Something about the whole thing gives me peace that I can't seem to find without it.
I am hoping to do a few races this fall and am looking into doing a 10k (6 miles). Although, I won't be signing up for these races until they get closer and I know if I'm KU which makes training difficult. Plus, if we do end up moving to IVF soon, they may place restrictions on how much I run. :(
Speaking of IVF, Brad and I have a consult on the 29th to talk about our next cycle and what we will do differently. We have talked at length and are 100% ready to move to IVF. So, that is what we will request and hopefully the doctor agrees. I am kind of getting excited to move to a more aggressive plan and am really hopeful to have success.
Monday, August 15, 2011
IUI #2 = BFFN
At this point I'm just waiting for AF to show up. I have been spotting all day and my beta from this morning came back negative. Although, I already knew I wasn't KU (but still holding out the tiniest thread of hope).
This friggin sucks. I know I shouldn't have, but I got my hopes up so high for this cycle. Everything seemed to go so well I just really hoped that it would end in a pregnancy.
I talked to the nurse this morning about having another consult with the Dr about what the cycle after next would entail. She is recommending that we sit down with him and go over the plan that he suggests.
Brad and I have talked at length about doing IVF if this next cycle is a bust. I just still need to wrap my head around pursuing that as our next step and being 100% ready. I think talking to Dr and getting all my questions answered will help me ease into the decision. However, I am wondering if he will recommend 2 more IUI cycles rather than 1 more (as Brad and I discussed) since technically the 1st one didn't work right (I didn't O when I was supposed to).
So for now, I will just wait for AF to show her ugly face. :(
I am so sick of seeing a negative test I could scream!
This friggin sucks. I know I shouldn't have, but I got my hopes up so high for this cycle. Everything seemed to go so well I just really hoped that it would end in a pregnancy.
I talked to the nurse this morning about having another consult with the Dr about what the cycle after next would entail. She is recommending that we sit down with him and go over the plan that he suggests.
Brad and I have talked at length about doing IVF if this next cycle is a bust. I just still need to wrap my head around pursuing that as our next step and being 100% ready. I think talking to Dr and getting all my questions answered will help me ease into the decision. However, I am wondering if he will recommend 2 more IUI cycles rather than 1 more (as Brad and I discussed) since technically the 1st one didn't work right (I didn't O when I was supposed to).
So for now, I will just wait for AF to show her ugly face. :(
I am so sick of seeing a negative test I could scream!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
IF has changed me
Something compelled me today to put down in words the way that IF has changed my life. I'm not quite sure where this feeling came from but I will give in to the urge to write because I think I need to get some things off my chest.
Getting pregnant and having babies has been my life long goal since as long as I can remember. I'm sure many women feel the exact same way. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have dreams and aspirations for other things in life (because I definitely do), but in my eyes, having children will be the single most important thing I could do.
Brad and I started this journey last May with such optimisim and hope. It was like a magical little journey that we were about to embark on that would bring us so much joy. I mean, that's the way it works, right? People decide to start trying for a baby and poof, they are blessed with getting pregnant within the first few months.
As the months went by, something began to change in me. By November of last year, I had already started to hear that voice in my head loud and clear: "something is wrong." I was trying so hard not to listen, but it was so persistant. My rational brain kept telling me that it can take a normal, healthy couple a year to conceive. I'm a rational person, but something just kept tugging at my conscious.
When we found out in late Feb/Mar that I had elevated FSH it was soul crushing. All of my fears were realized. The thought of having a child on my own was dashed away quicker than you can imagine.
Some people may say, so what? So, just proceed with treatment. Well, obviously that is what we are doing but there is still something to be said for the fact that the normal way of achieving this was taken away from Brad and I. We weren't the people that came off birth control and miraculously got pregnant without timing. We weren't the people that got pregnant after a few months of trying. And we weren't the people that got pregnant after trying for quite a few months. No, all that was taken away.
After being able to accept the fact that we needed treatment to bring a life into this world, we quickly pursued our options. Being in our second IUI cycle, I feel as if when it does happen (I say when because I can't bring myself to say if), how will I be able to enjoy my pregnancy during those first 13 weeks? What if I were to have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage?
It would devastate me. After trying for 16 months and finally getting pregnant, I feel like I would be a giant basketcase just waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to start over. I pray that this is not how I will feel and that I can enjoy the early stages of pregnancy.
My other worry: will I instantly love my unborn child? This has been a concern for me for the last few weeks. I'm so worried that maybe the reason I have been dealing with IF so well lately is that I have become desensitized to it all. If that is the case, will I be able to bond and attach to my future unborn child or will that have to be a battle as well?...Afraid of getting too attached or not knowing how to love what feels like is a mirage. It's extremely difficult for me to imagine being pregnant because, well, it doesn't feel like we are ever going to get there.
I know this all may seems so trivial, but this is just a small aspect of the way that IF has changed me. I hate what this journey had done to me and I want so desperately to be one of the normal women that went off the pill and got pregnant.
My story may never be that simple, but I hope and pray that my story will help someone else going through IF....And above all, I hope that my story ends with a beautiful baby.
Getting pregnant and having babies has been my life long goal since as long as I can remember. I'm sure many women feel the exact same way. Now, I'm not saying that I don't have dreams and aspirations for other things in life (because I definitely do), but in my eyes, having children will be the single most important thing I could do.
Brad and I started this journey last May with such optimisim and hope. It was like a magical little journey that we were about to embark on that would bring us so much joy. I mean, that's the way it works, right? People decide to start trying for a baby and poof, they are blessed with getting pregnant within the first few months.
As the months went by, something began to change in me. By November of last year, I had already started to hear that voice in my head loud and clear: "something is wrong." I was trying so hard not to listen, but it was so persistant. My rational brain kept telling me that it can take a normal, healthy couple a year to conceive. I'm a rational person, but something just kept tugging at my conscious.
When we found out in late Feb/Mar that I had elevated FSH it was soul crushing. All of my fears were realized. The thought of having a child on my own was dashed away quicker than you can imagine.
Some people may say, so what? So, just proceed with treatment. Well, obviously that is what we are doing but there is still something to be said for the fact that the normal way of achieving this was taken away from Brad and I. We weren't the people that came off birth control and miraculously got pregnant without timing. We weren't the people that got pregnant after a few months of trying. And we weren't the people that got pregnant after trying for quite a few months. No, all that was taken away.
After being able to accept the fact that we needed treatment to bring a life into this world, we quickly pursued our options. Being in our second IUI cycle, I feel as if when it does happen (I say when because I can't bring myself to say if), how will I be able to enjoy my pregnancy during those first 13 weeks? What if I were to have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage?
It would devastate me. After trying for 16 months and finally getting pregnant, I feel like I would be a giant basketcase just waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to start over. I pray that this is not how I will feel and that I can enjoy the early stages of pregnancy.
My other worry: will I instantly love my unborn child? This has been a concern for me for the last few weeks. I'm so worried that maybe the reason I have been dealing with IF so well lately is that I have become desensitized to it all. If that is the case, will I be able to bond and attach to my future unborn child or will that have to be a battle as well?...Afraid of getting too attached or not knowing how to love what feels like is a mirage. It's extremely difficult for me to imagine being pregnant because, well, it doesn't feel like we are ever going to get there.
I know this all may seems so trivial, but this is just a small aspect of the way that IF has changed me. I hate what this journey had done to me and I want so desperately to be one of the normal women that went off the pill and got pregnant.
My story may never be that simple, but I hope and pray that my story will help someone else going through IF....And above all, I hope that my story ends with a beautiful baby.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Baby Shower Was A Success
The baby shower I had at my house on Saturday went very well. All of the girls that came, were friends from college so we all had a really nice time catching up and having some good laughs. I'm really proud of myself for being able to deal with my emotions and put them in the right place so that I could enjoy the day and celebrate someone else's pregnancy.
I definitely think I was being tested though. The 3rd girl to arrive at the shower (an old college roomate that I haven't seen in a year) blurted out to me within the first 2 minutes she was there that she was pregnant. My reaction---joy, happiness and excitement for her.
Wow, that came out of nowhere and surprised the heck out of me! I can't believe that I was okay with the announcement right there on the spot. Now, I'm not sure if it's because I'm really not close whatsoever with this girl anymore, or if I have finally come to terms with accepting other's pregnancies. Whatever the reason; I'm extremely proud of myself.
After the shower, 4 of us went golfing and had an abosolute blast. It was almost like old times. Laughing and having an awesome time enjoying each others company. I hope to do another outing with them again before the summer if over!
I definitely think I was being tested though. The 3rd girl to arrive at the shower (an old college roomate that I haven't seen in a year) blurted out to me within the first 2 minutes she was there that she was pregnant. My reaction---joy, happiness and excitement for her.
Wow, that came out of nowhere and surprised the heck out of me! I can't believe that I was okay with the announcement right there on the spot. Now, I'm not sure if it's because I'm really not close whatsoever with this girl anymore, or if I have finally come to terms with accepting other's pregnancies. Whatever the reason; I'm extremely proud of myself.
After the shower, 4 of us went golfing and had an abosolute blast. It was almost like old times. Laughing and having an awesome time enjoying each others company. I hope to do another outing with them again before the summer if over!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Oh how I love the 2ww
That was sarcasm in case you couldn't tell. I am only 2 dpiui today and I'm already going crazy. I'm not sure if it's the fact that this cycle seemed to go more according to plan than any other, or just that we had a successful IUI, but I am so freakin antsy!
I had my IUI on Monday, so I go in for my beta 2 weeks from that date on August 15th. You can bet that I will definitely be testing before that though! ;)
I will say that this IUI was definitely more uncomfortable than the last. During the procedure I had quite a bit of cramping that continued throughout the day. Not only that, but I had some light spotting as well. I'm not trying to overanalyze but of course in the back of my mind I'm going back and forth with what all this could mean....good or bad.
I definitely won't be getting away from baby thinking this weekend. I am hosting another baby shower at my house on Saturday. While it will be fun, I'm thinking that I will get some pretty tough questions from friends that will be in attendance. Most people have an idea that we have been trying for a while and they are probably wondering what is taking so long and I'm sure talking about babies for several hours on Saturday, it's bound to come up.
I'm just not quite sure how I am going to handle it just yet. I have definitely started to be more open about our struggle and what we are going through, but I just don't know how open I want to be. Parts of me want to be an advocate for infertility and other parts want to keep this emotional struggle close and only let a few people in.....oh, decisions, decisions.
Bottom line: I'm sure I will still have a good time on Saturday catching up. Plus, 4 of us girls are playing golf. We have been trying to organize this for several months and the girls from out of town will finally be able to participate. I absolutely love golf, YAY!!!!!
I had my IUI on Monday, so I go in for my beta 2 weeks from that date on August 15th. You can bet that I will definitely be testing before that though! ;)
I will say that this IUI was definitely more uncomfortable than the last. During the procedure I had quite a bit of cramping that continued throughout the day. Not only that, but I had some light spotting as well. I'm not trying to overanalyze but of course in the back of my mind I'm going back and forth with what all this could mean....good or bad.
I definitely won't be getting away from baby thinking this weekend. I am hosting another baby shower at my house on Saturday. While it will be fun, I'm thinking that I will get some pretty tough questions from friends that will be in attendance. Most people have an idea that we have been trying for a while and they are probably wondering what is taking so long and I'm sure talking about babies for several hours on Saturday, it's bound to come up.
I'm just not quite sure how I am going to handle it just yet. I have definitely started to be more open about our struggle and what we are going through, but I just don't know how open I want to be. Parts of me want to be an advocate for infertility and other parts want to keep this emotional struggle close and only let a few people in.....oh, decisions, decisions.
Bottom line: I'm sure I will still have a good time on Saturday catching up. Plus, 4 of us girls are playing golf. We have been trying to organize this for several months and the girls from out of town will finally be able to participate. I absolutely love golf, YAY!!!!!
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