I'm not feeling too great about this cycle for a lot of different reasons but I am also feeling desperate about this last IUI working. Tomorrow morning at 9:30 the procedure will be performed and I will either become pregnant or not. If the past serves as any indication of the outcome, it will not work. My heart is breaking and I can't even imagine what it would be like to finally see a true positive test.
I'm so used to the dissapointment that I can't wrap my head around the idea that this time will be any different. When will it be my turn? Don't I deserve to be a mommy? Doesn't Brad deserve to be a daddy? Why???
It's really hard not to become a bitter, hateful person sometimes and I just wish I could push all these feelings away and just be normal. IF has been such a roller coaster of emotions and I am so ready to get off. I'm so sick of feeling hopeful one day, and then the next day feeling hopeless. And to top it all off; I don't think many people really understand all the pain that IF causes. It's just viewed as "oh, you're having trouble having a baby. Well, you can go to the doctor and they can help you have a baby." It's not that f-ing simple. There is so much more to this than the medication, the monitoring appointments, and the testing. I hate feeling like no one understands, but that is where I am today (tomorrow will probably bring differnt feelings). That being said, I am nowhere near my breaking point and will continue to push forward with the next treatment step. After all, bringing a new life into this world is why we are going through all of this(and I know it will be worth it if we achieve that goal).
Today just happens to be one of my bad days and I needed to get it out. I feel like I could go on forever about the way that I feel, the way that Brad feels, and all the questions I have. This has definitely been a journey in which a lot of soul searching has taken place and relationship tests have been thrown at us....One positive is that my relationship with my husband has become stronger than ever before and brought about a change in my perception of him. How could I have ever gotten through this without Brad as my partner? I am beyond appreciative for the gift I have in Brad. I just wish he didn't have to be going through all of this too. No one should ever have to feel like this...
IF f*cking sucks.
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