IF has changed me

Something compelled me today to put down in words the way that IF has changed my life.  I'm not quite sure where this feeling came from but I will give in to the urge to write because I think I need to get some things off my chest.

Getting pregnant and having babies has been my life long goal since as long as I can remember.  I'm sure many women feel the exact same way.  Now, I'm not saying that I don't have dreams and aspirations for other things in life (because I definitely do), but in my eyes, having children will be the single most important thing I could do.

Brad and I started this journey last May with such optimisim and hope.  It was like a magical little journey that we were about to embark on that would bring us so much joy.  I mean, that's the way it works, right?  People decide to start trying for a baby and poof, they are blessed with getting pregnant within the first few months. 

As the months went by, something began to change in me.  By November of last year, I had already started to hear that voice in my head loud and clear: "something is wrong."  I was trying so hard not to listen, but it was so persistant.  My rational brain kept telling me that it can take a normal, healthy couple a year to conceive.  I'm a rational person, but something just kept tugging at my conscious.

When we found out in late Feb/Mar that I had elevated FSH it was soul crushing.  All of my fears were realized.  The thought of having a child on my own was dashed away quicker than you can imagine. 

Some people may say, so what?  So, just proceed with treatment.  Well, obviously that is what we are doing but there is still something to be said for the fact that the normal way of achieving this was taken away from Brad and I.  We weren't the people that came off birth control and miraculously got pregnant without timing.  We weren't the people that got pregnant after a few months of trying.  And we weren't the people that got pregnant after trying for quite a few months.  No, all that was taken away. 

After being able to accept the fact that we needed treatment to bring a life into this world, we quickly pursued our options.  Being in our second IUI cycle, I feel as if when it does happen (I say when because I can't bring myself to say if), how will I be able to enjoy my pregnancy during those first 13 weeks?  What if I were to have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage?

It would devastate me.  After trying for 16 months and finally getting pregnant, I feel like I would be a giant basketcase just waiting for the other shoe to drop and having to start over.  I pray that this is not how I will feel and that I can enjoy the early stages of pregnancy. 

My other worry: will I instantly love my unborn child?  This has been a concern for me for the last few weeks.  I'm so worried that maybe the reason I have been dealing with IF so well lately is that I have become desensitized to it all.  If that is the case, will I be able to bond and attach to my future unborn child or will that have to be a battle as well?...Afraid of getting too attached or not knowing how to love what feels like is a mirage.  It's extremely difficult for me to imagine being pregnant because, well, it doesn't feel like we are ever going to get there.

I know this all may seems so trivial, but this is just a small aspect of the way that IF has changed me.  I hate what this journey had done to me and I want so desperately to be one of the normal women that went off the pill and got pregnant.

My story may never be that simple, but I hope and pray that my story will help someone else going through IF....And above all, I hope that my story ends with a beautiful baby.